Anxiety, Body image, Challenging, Chronic health condition, Depression, Doctors, Exhausted, Family, Friends, Gastroparesis, Panic Attack, Self confidence, Social Anxiety, Tired

I’m struggling and I’m scared…

I’m not really sure what to write in this post because I’m not really sure how I’m feeling about everything… I think the main struggles I’m going through at the moment is my health and trying to create a life around my health. So lets talk about my health.

I got three blood tests done and they all came back positive for Systemic Scleroderma (I’ll just call it scleroderma). Scleroderma is an autoimmune disease that changes the amount of collagen that you make; it gives you too much collagen causing very painful skin, muscle and joint problems and it can also affect your organs causing stuff like kidney failure and lung disease. There are many different types of scleroderma and the one I tested positive for is the systemic one which means it attacks my organs along with my skin (side note: I could have another type of systemic scleroderma that doesn’t affect your skin at all but I’m not sure yet if I even have it). I have an appointment with a rheumatologist in October to get checked out more and to get more tests done to see if I for sure have it, so right now it’s a waiting game. I’ve also been having so much more abdomen/bowel/pelvic pain lately and I can’t find a cause for it. I got a colonoscopy, ¬†gastroscopy and a CT scan done and all of those tests came back normal so I have no idea what’s causing the daily double-over pain I’m getting. I honestly can’t tell you how bad the pain is and how hard it is to handle on a daily basis. I’m also booked in to see a gynaecologist in October because I’m starting to wonder if maybe all my pain isn’t actually in my bowel but on the outside with something like endometriosis. I’ve always had severely painful and heavy periods but I’ve always swept that under the rug but maybe it’s time I start looking out of the box because I can’t handle to be in so much pain anymore. I’m also not sleeping well and if I don’t have something to help me sleep then I will literally not sleep all night. My psychiatrist gave me two medications to try and one of them I was allergic to and the other one doesn’t help me at all so once to twice a week I’m taking seroquel so I can finally get some sleep because me and not sleeping don’t mix well together.¬†

In my title I also wrote that I was scared and it’s true, I am scared. I’m scared because I don’t know what’s wrong with me and what’s causing all this pain and why my bloods are abnormal. I’m scared because I don’t know how to help the pain and because I have no idea what’s going to happen to me. I don’t know how to create a future when I don’t know what’s wrong with me and also when I’m so tired and in so much pain. How am I meant to do anything when I have a hard time getting off the couch? I just don’t know what to do. I do know that I want to finish VCE through online schooling again but then all the ‘buts’ come and I psych myself out of calling the person I need to call. A major thing a part from the pain and fatigue that’s stopping me from calling them is the fact that my brain fog is so bad lately that I’m having a really hard time reading and putting a sentence together. I’ll proof-read this post but I’m sure you’ll find so many mistakes reading it and that’s because I just don’t see them. And also, what if I completely suck and can’t even pass year 11 and 12, I mean I passed year 10 by a millimetre. ¬†

I have other stuff going on that I don’t want to talk about but it’s stressing me out and causing a major panic attack.¬†

I’m just having a really hard time with where my health is at and trying to remember and remind myself that I can still have a future even if I do have scleroderma or endometriosis and that I can make a life around the pain. I need to work on reminding myself that I am worthy of a happy and fulfilled life and not a life full of pain and loneliness because that’s another thing, I am so freaking lonely. I have my mum and I know that I’m lucky because some people don’t even have one person and she’s my best friend who I can go to with anything but sometime it’s not enough… I need someone else to hang out with me and to be my friend. I need some more support.¬†

I also saw a dietician the other month and a part from telling me that she was concerned about my pain and that I needed to get that checked out, she said that she couldn’t do anything to help me to lose weight because I’m eating right and doing what I can but it’s really hard with my stomach and it’s condition because it doesn’t digest properly, I have no metabolism and what I can eat isn’t that great. I can have some veggies and salad but too many and I feel so sick and have such a bad stomach ache. It was hard to hear that she couldn’t do anything to help me lose weight because that’s still a big problem I’m trying to deal with.¬†

I don’t think there’s anything else I want to talk about…. I just thought I’d sit down and try to write out some of my feelings and worries…¬†

Keep safe,
Maddy xoxo 

 

Featured image: https://www.channelweb.co.uk/crn-uk/news/3026573/why-are-outsourcers-like-capita-and-bt-struggling

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Anxiety, Body image, Challenging, Chronic health condition, Depression, Doctors, Exhausted, Family, Gastroparesis, Grief, New housemate, Panic Attack, Siblings, Social Anxiety, Tired

Life Update

It is the 4th of March and in 4 days the 12 weeks of hell will start. It’s the 12 weeks of hell because on the 8th of March my brother was diagnosed with his brain tumour and then on the 30th of April it would’ve been his 10th birthday and then on the 31st of May it is the 5 year anniversary of his death and then on the 5th of June it is the 5 year anniversary of when we buried him and said goodbye. From the day he got diagnosed to the day he died it is exactly 12 weeks… So I’ve got that to look forward to! <— Insert very heavy sarcasm.

A month and a bit ago I got some blood test results back that weren’t too great at all. One of my markers was a low positive for Scleroderma which is a very serious and horrible disease. I went to a rheumatologist and he tested my bloods again and they came back as completely negative which is great! I really didn’t need another health problem. I also went and saw my gastroenterologist and I have to get another colonoscopy in a week to check for stuff like Ulcerative Colitis because my bowels haven’t been too happy with me lately. He also gave me some new pain relief that should hopefully actually work. I’m nervous about the bowel prep because my stomach can’t handle that much liquid and it’s so sensitive and the bowel prep is some nasty sh*t. I’ll do my best but I’m really not looking forward to it at all.

I’ve started a new diet to try and help my lose the weight I need to lose and that’s the 5:2 diet. For two days a week I only eat 500 calories and then the other five days I eat healthily and my normal calorie limit. ¬†I’m also trying to walk on the treadmill every day or take my dog to the dog park and walk around that a few times.

I’m looking into maybe doing year 11 through Distance Education to get my brain doing something and to get a sense of achievement and accomplishment at the end of the day so I don’t feel like I’ve achieved nothing. I have to call the co-ordinator back and ask her a few questions on whether or not they can accomodate all my issues.

I’m still seeing my psychiatrist, psychologist and social worker. My psychiatrist’s fix to all my issues is to go catch a train and get me using public transport. Yes, it would open up more ‘opportunities’ for me to do, but at the same time, what exactly can I go do with my mental health issues and physical health issues? Even if I can push past my anxiety and catch a train or bus, my fatigue and stomach pain is too bad for me to actually do anything. So I really don’t see how pushing myself to catch a train is going to help. Also, when I do push my anxiety, fatigue and stomach pain to catch a train, I’m going to end up pushing myself too much and then take 20 steps back and be bed ridden for a week.

I had to stop my sleeping medication because it was making me so hungry and I was putting on weight which doesn’t help my mental health at all so now I’m not sleeping much and the sleep that I do get is poor and full of nightmares and tossing and turning. Lack of sleep also make my mental health crapper and I don’t have the same resilience to my life and therefore I have to fight even harder to stay out of the depression hole with no energy to spare. It’s exhausting not sleeping.¬†

Things with the housemate are still sh*t, awful and a major stress. He’ll be moving out very soon fingers crossed!¬†

Basically nothing has really improved at all and I’m still struggling and trying to do my best!¬†

Keep safe everyone,
Maddy xoxo 

Twitter: @DMWAAG
Email: depressedmesswithanxietyandgrief@outlook.com

 

 

 

 

 

Featured Image: http://www.beautybabbles.com/2014/09/a-little-life-update.html

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Anxiety, Body image, Challenging, Chronic health condition, Depression, Exhausted, Friends, Generalised Anxiety, Panic Attack, Social Anxiety, Tired

Anxiety Anxiety Anxiety Anxiety Anxiety Anxiety Anxiety Anxiety!!!

I’ve talked before about my depression, health conditions and I’ve mentioned my anxiety before but I haven’t dedicated a blog post to what is a big part of my life and that is, you guessed it, anxiety! *Insert clapping*

Anxiety is a tricky thing as it’s different for everyone who gets it and the symptoms that people experience with anxiety will also be different. Sure, anxiety sufferers might experience SIMILAR symptoms but they will never be EXACTLY the same. There are two main types of anxiety that I’m aware of and they are generalised (you get anxious about everything and anything) and social (you get anxious about going outside, seeing people, talking to people ect) anxiety.¬†I have both generalised and social anxiety.

I can’t tell you which is worse as they are both incredibly bad and somedays one will be worse than the other and then other days they’re both at the same level of anxiousness. My anxiety has definitely gotten worse over the years and now I have a hard time leaving the house just to take the rubbish down. When I’m sleeping I have anxious dreams because of my PTSD and when I’m awake I’m sometimes shaking with anxiety doing absolutely nothing, so basically I am just one big ball of anxiety.

I’ll talk about my social anxiety first:
There’s a big difference between being nervous about going somewhere new and being anxious¬†about going somewhere new. Being nervous is normal and a useful human emotion but being anxious takes it past the level of being useful and a good human emotion to being a draining and fearful experience where there is no need at all to be fearful and to act and feel like you’re being chased by a lion about to be eaten!
I’d like people to stop using the term ‘anxiety’ so loosely and about everything when in fact, they are just NERVOUS and or excited NOT anxious.

A lot of my social anxiety revolves around how I think I look because of my weight which makes going out anywhere incredibly hard. I have a hard time going out and eating because I feel like everyone will be looking at me and judging me for eating. I can’t stand crowded places with too many people and loud noises and I have a very hard time talking to people like shop assistants when I’m out. ¬†I have a constant monologue of unhelpful thoughts running through my head the whole time I’m out and some of them are: “That person is looking at you because you’re fat” and “People are looking at you because you’re fat and eating” and “People are looking at your acne and that’s all they’re seeing.” As you can see, those thoughts aren’t nice or helpful and yet no matter how hard I try I can never stop them while I’m out. I’m always fidgeting and looking like I’m going to hurl and I know these thought aren’t rational but in a society where it’s openly known that you’re judged on the way you look, it’s hard not to have those thoughts and it’s even harder when you have no self confidence at all.

My social anxiety really inhibits me from doing a lot of things like going out with my Mum and spending time with her or going out and trying to find some friends. Social anxiety is not fun at all and I hate it, I hate everything about it because we know that it’s not rational to be so scared of seeing and talking to people that you want to cry, throw up and run away (all at the same time I might add) and yet you can’t stop feeling like that. Pushing past all those anxious feelings is really freaking exhausting which is why after I come home after going out anywhere I have to have a nap¬†ūüėā¬†Not only is pushing past those anxious feelings to actually go somewhere exhausting but consciously challenging all those anxious and unhelpful thoughts is exhausting as well, it almost feels like a full time job…

And as I right this blog post about anxiety I am starting to get anxiety… how effed up is that?!¬†ūüôĄ

Now I will talk about my generalised anxiety:
Having generalised anxiety means that I am¬†anxious nearly all the time and¬†usually about nothing. I could be sitting on the couch watching TV and feel like I¬†can’t breathe and my heart is racing and yet there’s no reason for me to feel¬†anxious at all. Even when I’m sleeping my dreams are anxiety inducing and so I¬†wake up with anxiety. I always feel like I am in that fight or flight state and that I can never properly relax, I am¬†always on edge and¬†always ready to go go go (even¬†though I have no energy).

Continuously feeling¬†anxious for no reason is hard work. I can sit¬†somewhere quietly and do my breathing exercises or distract myself but I still¬†can’t seem to quit being anxious. Being anxious has become part of¬†who I am now and I hate it. I don’t like¬†feeling anxious all the time about nothing and¬†never being able to relax, I want to be able to sit¬†down and give my body a rest.
I get anxious about making plans for the day, taking the rubbish out, Mum going anywhere and sometimes I get anxious just looking outside my window…

Nearly everything causes me to have anxiety and therefore continuously makes my body react like there’s danger and release that adrenaline and cortisol that your body produces when it’s in danger and yet, there is no danger for me at all. My body and mind are always on high alert and can never get a proper rest unless I take my anti-anxiety medication. I’m not against medication at all but I don’t want to take my anti-anxiety medication everyday just so I can get through the day without having all the feelings of anxiety and the starting symptoms of a panic attack, I want to be able to get and work through my anxiety myself but everything I try just doesn’t work. I have worked with many counsellors and psychologists to try and help me with my anxiety and apart from them all giving me the same techniques to use, they just don’t work.¬†

My anxiety also makes all my other health conditions worse. When my anxiety is worse it makes my depression worse which then makes my health conditions worse which then makes my anxiety worse and it’s a cycle that I can’t get out of.¬†

Here’s a little chart I made:

anxiety chart screenshot.png

Living with anxiety is a daily struggle that I have been dealing with for nearly 5 years now and you’d think that I’d get use to it by now but I haven’t, I’m still surprised over the level of my anxiety sometimes and how I can have anxiety for no apparent reason. I will continue to fight it and maybe one day I won’t have it anymore but for now, It’s making my life 1000000x harder and its just another thing that I have to deal with.

Keep safe everyone and know that you are not alone with your anxiety.
Maddy xoxo

Follow my new twitter account: https://twitter.com/DMWAAG

Email: depressedmesswithanxietyandgrief@outlook.com

 

(Featured image: https://www.jmrocketreporter.org/arts-entertainment-2/staff-columns/2017/05/18/stress/)

 

 

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Abuse, Challenging, Change, Chronic health condition, Depression, Exhausted, Family, Fat shaming, Mother and daughter, New housemate, Step-father, Tired

Change Is Good… Right?

We all experience change in our life. Sometimes it’s compulsory and sometimes it’s by choice and sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s bad. Change is inevitable.

Well two months ago I experienced a big change and I have been struggling with it every day. I’ll get to what that big change was soon but first I’m going to tell you why this big change had to happen.

We have been struggling with money ever since we got kicked out of my step-fathers (Michael) house with nothing. We have been borrowing money off of friend’s for rent but we can’t ask them anymore because that’s just not fair on them, so now that we aren’t borrowing money off people we can’t afford our rent which is where Mum’s male friend comes in to play. Lets name him… Ned

Ned and Mum have known each other for a few years now and have dated on and off throughout those few years and I have always been pleasant bordering on friendly to him but the truth is, I just don’t like him; he hasn’t treated Mum the way I think she deserves to be treated and has said some pretty bad things to her. Ned is extremely immature and pretty much a man-child. He’s lazy and doesn’t put any effort into anything.¬†Two months ago Ned moved in. It was an extremely difficult decision for Mum to make and it’s a decision she didn’t make lightly but we need help with the rent and he’s that help.

For four and a half years it has just been me and Mum. Mum and me watching TV, Mum and me in the kitchen, Mum and me going for walks together and now it’s Mum, me and Ned. Not all the time of course; Mum makes sure that we get our mother/daughter time together but when Mum and I are just chilling at home watching TV it now includes Ned if he’s not in his room and if Mum and I are chilling in the lounge room that’s where he is too 90% of the time.
For four and a half years Mum and I’s home has been a safe place and a male energy free zone but now it’s contaminated with male energy and I’ve got to say, Ned’s energy isn’t that great as he sulks and has the sh*ts a lot of the time because he’s not getting what he wants which is Mum’s undivided attention and devotion to him. As you can probably tell by now, I’m not his #1 fan!

I completely understand why he’s here and he lowers the rent cost and I know this wasn’t an easy decision for Mum at all so I don’t resent or blame Mum for anything. I feel annoyed and angry that this (Ned moving in) was the only option we had otherwise Mum and I would’ve been homeless. I’m angry at Michael for not giving Mum the settlement she deserved and earned and instead he gave her nothing.

For the two months that Ned has lived here he hasn’t done anything to help around the house. He knows that Mum and I have chronic illnesses and still, no help. If he takes the recycling down he makes sure that we know and see him by telling us that he’s taking it down. What does he want? A medal for taking the freaking recycling down that we all do as well and that he contributes too? I’ve done the vacuuming and Mum has also and she asked Ned if he could do it and he still didn’t do it, I ended up doing it. His laziness infuriates me to no end because when I’m sitting on the couch all day it’s because I am so fatigued I can’t keep my eyes open and because all my joints and bones are throbbing and my feet are burning, NOT because I’m lazy. Ned doesn’t have any health conditions. He doesn’t have chronic fatigue or fibromyalgia or lupus, so when he doesn’t do anything and sits on the couch all day it’s because he’s lazy.

I am trying so hard to adjust to this big change and to remind myself that this won’t be another Michael situation. You would know what I mean by that if you’ve read some of my other posts but in a nutshell the Michael situation was him judging me, fat shaming me, telling me I was lazy, hating on me, getting jealous of me and my relationship with Mum and glaring at me every other minute for no reason. Basically he acted like he hated me and couldn’t stand me. I know Ned isn’t Michael because there’s only one Michael, and that’s Michael, but that doesn’t mean that the way Ned has been behaving this last week hasn’t triggered my PTSD into feeling like it was another Michael situation happening…
The other day Mum and Ned were fighting and Mum went to her room to get some space and an hour later or so Ned just walked into her room without knocking demanding that Mum talk to him and when she said no and went to shut the door Ned resisted against it.¬†So Ned barging into Mum’s room without knocking and resisting it when Mum closed it just reminded me that¬†that was how Michael would react to a fight so that then triggered me.
I promised myself that if another man ever behaved in a way that was out of line or threatening towards Mum that I would say something and stand up for Mum and not sit back quietly and not saying any thing like I was forced to do with Michael.
Well, it’s safe to say that I said something to Ned! I walked up to him in the lounge room and at first I talked very calmly and I said to him that if he wants to talk to Mum that’s fine but don’t you dare barge into her room without knocking and then resist against the door when Mum tries to close it. He argued with me and said that he didn’t resist against it and I said fine, but you do not just go into Mum’s room without knocking ever again. I started yelling then and said that I will not have another Michael situation again and he said that he’s not Michael and then I completely lost my cool and started screaming at him and I don’t really remember what I said but I do remember saying something about my health and Mum’s health not needing this and for him to never talk to me again…
He and Mum then got into a screaming match and they had a big fight and Mum told him to move out. He left for a few hours and then when he came back he just ignored me completely and then also ignored me all of the next day but that was also another trigger because Michael would just ignore me, so Mum told Ned to talk to me and to stop ignoring me and now we talk about the weather and how his keyboard wouldn’t work.
I told Mum that I would like to sit down and talk with Ned and apologise for yelling because I know that that’s not how you tell someone how you’re feeling and I would also like to explain to him that me screaming at him wasn’t all about him, that it was years and years of pent-up anger with Michael and I just released a little bit on to Ned and I would also like to explain that he triggered my PTSD and also to remind him that him moving in has been extremely hard for me and that it’s only been 2 months and that for nearly 5 years before that it was just me and Mum and that the past experienced I’ve had living with a man haven’t been great at all and to try to get him to acknowledge that I am trying and that he already knew that I didn’t really want him to move in.
Well, Mum’s asked for us all to sit down twice now as I would like to talk to Ned and both times he has said no and hidden in his room so we couldn’t talk.
Mum and Ned are working on the fight they had and the issues in their ‘relationship’ and Mum has decided to move on from the fight so Ned isn’t moving out now.
I’m hoping that within the next two days I’ll be able to have my talk with Ned.

I have a hard time letting things go and forgiving people, that’s something I have to work on. Mum on the other hand, is very forgiving and good at letting things go…

So, so far this big change hasn’t been the best but I really do hope that it does get better because I don’t like feeling how I feel towards Ned and feeling triggered… I also don’t like how this has put Mum in the middle of Ned and I; that’s not fair on her and she doesn’t deserve to feel like that and have to feel like she has to choose between us. I would never want her to feel like that.

Keep safe everyone,
Maddy xoxo

P.S- I now have an email! Feel free to send me any thoughts you have on my posts if you don’t want other people to see and also feel free to send me your ideas for what I should write about next! Here’s my email: depressedmesswithanxietyandgrief@outlook.com

Feature image: http://webecoist.momtastic.com/2008/11/30/earth-seasons-spring-summer-winter-fall-autumn/

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Death, Depression, Family, Grief, Siblings

How Many Siblings Do You Have?

(Just for reference I have a younger brother who is 11 years old and an older sister who is 21 years old )

How many siblings do you have? It’s a simple question that surprisingly comes up quite a lot in conversation. Whether you’re on a date getting to know someone, in general chit chat/small talk or at a doctors appointment, people for some reason feel the need to ask you about your siblings and if you have any and how many. I don’t know why they can’t stick to talking about the weather or other neutral topics…¬†I do understand that it’s what we’re grown up to ask and that it’s polite but maybe we need to start teaching people to think that maybe the person they’re about to ask has lost a sibling and that asking that simple question might not be so simple for them. ¬†

It’s a question that a lot of people don’t have a problem answering but to us bereaved siblings it’s a reminder of everything that we don’t have, have lost and of the brother or sister who has died. As soon as you hear those words it’s like a punch to the gut and it feels like your heart is being ripped out of your chest; well that’s what it feels like for me anyway.

Whenever someone asks me that question I always freeze and start to stutter out words that make no sense or look at them and start to cry because I never know what to say.
What do I say?
Here are my options that I have come up with:

  • That I have 3 other siblings
  • That I have 2 other siblings and one died
  • That I have 2 other siblings and leave Chase out of it completely and don’t mention him at all

Is it disrespectful to Chase if I don’t mention him at all though? But¬†if I say that I do have two other siblings and that one died then they’re probably going to want to ask me about it and how he died. The problem with that is that I then don’t know how much or how little to tell them and what I should and shouldn’t say about the whole thing.¬†When people ask me how many siblings I have they sometimes also want¬†to know how old they are and if they’re younger or older than me. ¬†Chase died when he was 5 so if I do decide to include Chase in my siblings when answering the question do I say the age he was when he died or the age that he would be now if he was still alive? He would be 9 if he was still alive today…

So many sub-questions for what would seem like an uncomplicated and easy question to start with and to answer…¬†

Losing a sibling is such a different experience to losing a child, it’s a different relationship that no one will ever understand except you and your sibling.
I feel like I not only lost my brother, but I also lost my best friend and partner in crime when Chase died and reliving everything that happened if someone asked me how many siblings I have and I include Chase it will just be too painful to have to do that and to try to keep myself together.¬†¬†It’s too painful to think about let alone say out loud.

I wish there was a handbook that could tell me how to grieve and what I’ll feel and what to say in situations where I don’t know what to say. My Mum says that it’s a good way of remembering your sibling and that might be so, but for me, it just makes me really sad and brings up all the grief feelings to the surface that I try to bury down so I’m not consumed by them everyday.¬†

It’s incredibly tricky and confusing¬†to know what the right answer is and I just don’t know what to say…¬†Maybe one day I will figure it out but at the moment whenever I get asked I’ll probably still freeze and start to stutter out words that don’t make sense. ¬†

If any of you reading this post have lost a sibling and get asked that question what do you say and what’s your answer to the person asking you? Let me know in the comments.¬†

Keep safe,
Maddy xoxo 

Feel free to follow me on twitter. It’s a bit all over the place but hey, that’s me! ūüėČ

 

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Chronic health condition, Depression, Doctors, Exhausted, Family, Grief, misunderstood, Mother and daughter, Tired

Behind The Mask

Behind my mask I am struggling everyday and I am trying to be the strongest that I can be.

A lot of doctors have no idea about mental health illnesses like depression and anxiety. It astounds me when a medical professional (especially if they’re in the mental health field) says or does something completely wrong knowing that you are mentally ill.¬†

I had an appointment with my gastroenterologist the other month and it was the day after Chase’s birthday or death, I can’t quite remember… Anyway so I was obviously more upset than normal and crying more, so I went into his office and had my appointment and told him how I’m really struggling at the moment and he only said ‘Well of course you are’, yeah that’s fine whatever, but when I went back two months later, I had been having a really hard time and feeling suicidal the week before the appointment so I went in and he asked me how I was going and I said ‘not good at all actually’ and he just said ‘well you look like you’re doing a lot better which is good’ and mum was with me this time and she spoke up and said ‘no, she really hasn’t been doing well and she’s really struggling’. Bob (my gastroenterologist) cut her off and argued with mum saying that I look like I am doing better and then I spoke up and said ‘just because I’m not crying doesn’t mean I’m feeling any better.’ Bob just stayed quiet and ignored that and went on to ask me about how my gastro symptoms are going. I felt so belittled by Bob and like he didn’t understand mental illnesses at all. It was a really horrible moment.

In the past a similar thing has happened and it was even harder because it was in a special mental health school. The teachers’ always thought that because I had smiled or laughed that day I was automatically not depressed anymore and they would treat me differently. My case worker saw that and understood how I was feeling, so quite a few times he had to remind those teachers that just because I smiled or laughed doesn’t mean I’m all better now. Sometimes I feel very ¬†misunderstood by doctors and it’s really hard to understand because they’re medical professionals and you would expect them to have at least done a psych rotation at medical school right?¬†

The other day mum was at the doctor and a couple of days before mum’s appointment I saw that doctor. Mum has her appointment and the doctor tells mum that I’m doing quite well and I look like I’m doing good; or something like that.¬†
Just because I have clean clothes on and I brushed my hair doesn’t mean that I’m not struggling every day. What do doctors expect a depressed person to look like? Do us depressed people just have to walk around in our pyjamas all day with knotted hair and not having washed for a month? Or do us depressed people not get out of bed ever? But then how are we meant to go to the medical professionals to get help? And if we stay in our pyjamas all day not caring about self hygiene or stay in bed all the time and we do go to the medical professionals for help, they say that we’re not helping ourselves and making ourselves worse by not getting dressed and brushing our hair! So really, it seems that we can’t win.¬†

A month ago I got into a really bad depressive slump and I was very suicidal and nearly ended up in the pysch hospital again. My mum called my psychologist because she was worried about me and didn’t know what to do and my psychologists answer was to take me out to lunch! Because when I’m feeling like killing myslef because I see no reason to live, the only thing I want to do is go to a busy place for lunch and hang around outside! No, what I actually want to do is take my medication that knocks me out and go to bed until I feel like I’m not going to harm myself. When my psychologist said that, I felt so… I don’t even know what emotion I felt! I honestly couldn’t believe she had said that.

You kind of lose faith in the medical system when people who are meant to help you say such unhelpful and ignorant stuff.  

¬†I feel like I have gotten very good at hiding how depressed and hopeless I am. I’ve had to implement my poker face since Chase died. No one I have ever met has seen through it and seen how much I am struggling. It’s so tiring being so strong all the time and keeping my sh*t together. I just want to stay in bed all day where it’s warm and I don’t have to worry about anything outside my bedroom. I don’t know who I am outside of being majorly depressed, anxious and chronically ill.
I go to my appointments and I get dressed and I have showers and brush my hair and brush my teeth and wash my face, I do all this stuff and just because I do it, it doesn’t mean that I’m suddenly not depressed and mentally stable.¬†

I am broken and I will never be whole again. There will always be a part of me missing that Chase took when he died. I will always be grieving and some days it will be too hard and I WILL stay in bed all day and cry.
Being strong is good but breaking down is also good. I can’t always be strong.

I don’t know what the doctors need to see that I am struggling. My anxiety and depression are overwhelming a lot of the time but I keep going because it’s the only choice I have. I’m so sick of doctors and their small minded ideas of mental illnesses.
If doctors want to see me when I’m at my lowest then come on over to my house and watch me cry myself to sleep and cry so hard I start hyperventilation or I cry so hard that I feel like I’m going to throw up or see the look on my face when I think about everything I struggle with every day or the nosies I make because I’m so sad and I just want to die. If they want to see that to prove to them that I am in fact not doing well and depressed then they can.
I keep myself together so I can help mum because she can’t lose another child. I am struggling and I just want people to see that and acknowledge that and not assume that because I’m smiling or laughing I’m not dying inside. All I want is to be understood.

Behind my mask I am struggling everyday and I am trying to be the strongest that I can be.   

Keep safe,
Maddy xoxo 

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Depression, Family, Mother and daughter

The Real Life Gilmore Girls

Mum and I are like the real life Gilmore Girls. Mum and I are incredibly close and she is my best friend; I honestly wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I didn’t have mum in my life and she wasn’t my mum.

Like I said before she is my best friend but also my sister, father, aunt, grandma, daughter and all round the greatest person ever.
Although mum is a lot like Lorelai I don’t think I’m that much like Rory because to be honest I think Rory is rude, spoilt, selfish and not very respective to her mum.

I love my mum more than anything on this earth. She is the most resilient, strong, loyal, caring, smart, beautiful, loving, empathetic, compassionate, generous, funny, witty, angelic, kind, ambitious, amusing, brave, conscientious, courageous, easygoing, friendly, gentle, helpful, and honest person I know and will ever meet.
Mum has been through so much in her life and the fact that she is still living and this amazing after all that she’s been through is astounding. She really is my role model and inspiration.

Mum and I have always gotten along, we don’t really fight about anything and if we do we get over it pretty quickly.
When we were living at Michael’s we were close but definitely¬†not as close as we are now. ¬†We couldn’t be as close as we are now because Michael was such a jealous freak and would try to come between us all the time. I think the trauma that we’ve gone through has definitely made us closer.

Mum and I have a lot of mutual respect for each other and we’re equals so I think that’s partly why we get along so well. Don’t get me wrong, ¬†I listen to her when she tells me ‘off’ but from day to day we’re equals. The other reasons we get along so well is because we also have a lot of¬†love, loyalty and honesty towards each other.¬†Mum respects me as a person and my decisions and I respect her as a person and her decisions.

Mum and I have an incredibly special bond, it’s a bond like no other. She is one of my soul mates and I am thankful every day that I get to spend my whole life with her.
Mum and I have so many laughs because we have a similar sense of humour so we laugh at things that are pretty inappropriate and that others wouldn’t find funnyūüėā.

My mum is my rock and I know she will always be there for me and I will always be there for her. We have supported each other throughout these 4 years of hardship and there is no way I could have gotten through it without my Mumma Bear.

Mum is a cool mum, she’s the type of mum that all your friends love because she gives great advice and is more like part of the group than the adult of that friend.

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Here’s the letter I wrote to her a few posts ago:
https://depresssedmesswithanxietyandgrief.wordpress.com/2017/03/06/a-letter-to-my-mumma-bear/

I don’t think there is much else I can say about our relationship except that it’s incredibly special and no one will ever be able to come between us and the friendship that we have.

Love you Mum!!!

Keep safe everyone and I hope that you have your own Lorelai in your life.
Maddy xoxo

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