Christmas used to be fun, now I’m the Grinch who stole it!

Christmas. Last time I heard christmas is meant to be a time to celebrate love, family and joy. Those words don’t make me feel any love or joy, they just make me feel incredibly sad.

Christmas in my household used to be full of all those things I mentioned before. We would put up a christmas tree and decorate it and then on christmas eve we would all open up one present just to get our christmas spirit even higher that it already was! Christmas morning was filled with laughter and joy at opening up our presents that Santa brought us and then after we would open all our presents, mum would cook her famous pancakes and we would have a big christmas lunch with family or a big christmas dinner. But during the day we would play with our presents and admire them. My little brother Chase was in love with superheroes, so he would be off in his room or on the lounge room floor playing with his new Buzz Lightyear toy or the new Iron Man figurine.

Christmas is not like that at all any more. We don’t even have a tree up and that’s ok because honestly, I’m not ready to make a massive deal out of christmas and act like it’s the happiest day of my life.
This will only be our 3rd christmas without my dear baby brother. The thought of having a good time on christmas day is just foreign to me; it makes absolutely no sense. Other family members don’t feel that way like mum and I do. They are acting like there’s nothing wrong, they’re actually excited for christmas! I honestly don’t get it but each to their own I guess…

It seems to me that christmas exacerbates a lot of families grief, I sure do know that it makes mine and mums grief way worse. I think it’s because like I said before, christmas is a time for family to come together and celebrate. And we don’t have a family. All I have really is mum and a dead brother who was everything to me. Sure, I have other siblings, but they are so different to Chase. Chase and I clicked, we were extremely close and we are really the own two siblings that got along. I have a younger brother who is older then Chase, and he is horrible to me! Just like his father, my step-father was to me. He treats me exactly the same as Michael did and it’s horrible! I also have an older sister, Holly. Well, Holly and I don’t really get along at all! We are pretty much polar opposites, all I have in common with her is the same mum I feel. She wasn’t around for more than half of Chase’s life so no wonder she’s not grieving like mum and I are. She used to bully me all the time, and now she just won’t listen to what I have to say and acts like she’s so much better than me, when in fact, she really isn’t! She’s damaged just like we all are, but she won’t do anything to try to fix herself because she believes that there’s nothing wrong with her, it’s always our fault. She and Dusty got along because they’re quite similar and then Chase and I got along extremely well. I now feel as though I’m an only child and that I have no siblings. To me Dusty and Holly are just acquaintances, not even friends! I have no nice feelings to them because Chase was a real sibling, he treated me how brothers and sisters should treat each other and that’s not how Dusty and Holly treat me.

Mum and I don’t even call christmas christmas. We’re calling it J.C Day or December 25th. You can see how excited we are cant you?!
Dusty who lives with Michael is coming on J.C Day from 12pm to 5pm boxing day and Holly is coming over after work, so that will be fun… NOT!!! We’re having cold meats for sandwiches and salads which will be nice and easy for mum and I, as mum will NOT be having a fun day at all! I can not imagine what it must feel and be like to lose a child. I admire my mother so much for everything she’s had to go through. She was so extremely strong in the twelve weeks it took for Chase to die, she was with him nearly twenty-four seven. It was amazing to see the love my mum had for her little baby boy. My mum is my own superhero who I will be forever admiring her strength and determination. My thoughts and love is with her everyday.

My journey through grief hasn’t been fun, and I imagine it won’t be fun for a long time. Grief is not something you can explain. The definition of grief in the online dictionary is:
Intense sorrow, especially caused by someone’s death.

Well, let me tell you, intense doesn’t even begin to explain it! I feel as though the definition should be:
No definition, it is your own personal hell that will destroy you in so many ways but will also make your stronger in many too.

I still can’t believe that it’s been two nearly three years since Chase died. Sometimes it feels like ten years ago, yesterday or like it never happened, but around Christmas time it feels like it happened an hour ago all day.
The word ‘Grief’ is so strong isn’t it? Just like bereavement or passed away, they all signify that same thing: DEATH. In the end we all will die. Now I don’t know if I will die tomorrow, a year away or in seventy years, but what I do know is that I will spend everyday I have missing and grieving my brother. No one can take that away from me because right now, grief is the only reminder I have that he was real, and christmas is making that extremely real. Chase loved christmas and I hope that wherever he is now he can have a good christmas.

I love you Chase. Xx

( P.S. I am aware that christmas is meant to have a capital ‘C’ as the first letter, but as I feel that christmas is not important it doesn’t deserve a capital letter! 😉 )

Merry christmas guys <—- See, its kinda an insincere Merry christmas because I didn’t put a capital c!

Maddy. xoxo




Depression will probably be the death of me

I have suffered depression for about a year and a half now. It was manageable in the first six months, but then it started getting worse.
The feelings that I were experiencing were different from anything I have ever felt before and that scared me. It overwhelmed me. I wish I could say that with all the counselling I got and my one supportive parent that I had, I have gotten on top of it a year later, but no, I am still drowning in the black hole that is depression. It’s true what they say, it honestly does feel like there is a little black dog following you around all the time ruining what little happiness you may experience. It is hard work getting rid of this dog, I am still working profusely to get rid of it. This dog seems to posses magic powers though, the power of making me want to kill myself. It’s not easy fighting off those thoughts of “You’re nothing” ,”You’re worthless and no one will ever end up loving you”, “You’re stupid and fat and no one is going to want to be around you” my favourite one though is “Just kill yourself already and end it all, because honestly what is the point of living? You have nothing to live for”. That last thought is the main thought I have to battle with. It crawls into my mind nearly everyday, just egging me on to give up and leave the one person who is there for me through thick and thin; my beautiful and amazing mother. I could never leave my mum. She is my rock and I hers, but a lot of the time it feels like her rock is getting smaller and it’s not big enough for me to hold on to anymore. Suicide is not fun. It makes me feel weak and like a failure. I do not like feeling like that Sam I am. I want to feel powerful and strong, but that damn dog just loves to bite me and remind me of all the reasons why I can’t be powerful and strong apparently. I try and not listen to those unhelpful and mean thoughts, but it’s easier said than done.

It seems that I am still ‘here’  though, wherever that is. I must admit that I have had a helping hand from the psychiatric hospital once or twice… and BTW, the psych ward is NO trip to Luna Park! It is cold, lonely, boring and depressing as hell!

I have worked for a long time with my psychologist to help ‘kill’ my little puppy that seems intent on hanging around with me and my bros (Ha! Just kidding! I have no friends, but that’s another story for another day. 🙂 ) I have tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), altering my negative thoughts to positive thoughts, medication, the psych ward and what else? Oh thats right! A little bit of exercise just to spice things up a bit…. But in my defence that was really hard to do because my toes had to have surgery on them which I got done last week, so once they heal up 100% I can start to go for walkies every day! Yay!!! 😉

At the end of the exhausting day my aim is to wake up one day and not see the black canine wagging its tale ready for what feels like round one billionth in the never ending ball game of ‘Lets see what can wear Maddy down the most to see her break and try to stab herself or overdose!” Sounds like a fun game huh? Do you wanna join in?

I guess at the end of the day though, the only person who can help me is myself. And I am trying to work on myself as much as I can.

Keep safe peeps,
Maddy xoxo



Grief takes time… Bite me!!!

Everyone says grief is normal, but unless those people telling you it’s normal have been through grief, they don’t know how not normal it feels! Grief is not something you can put a time limit on. It takes time; sometimes lots of time.

Two years ago my five-year old brother died from a brain tumor, it has been two years but it feels like it happened yesterday, ten years ago or not at all! When you’re grieving it seems like there is no way to measure time. Time just doesn’t seem to exist… I have heard from many people that the first year is the hardest after losing someone who is close to you, I call that bull***t. It is as hard for me today as it was two years ago.

Grief is one of those emotions  that you can not explain; there are absolutely no words to describe how it actually feels to grieve the loss of a loved one.

Psychologists say that there are seven stages to the grief cycle, they are: shock/disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression and acceptance. I can tell you now that I still go through all of those stages every day.

It is so important to have friends and family surrounding you when you’re grieving. But you really want those friends and family members to be understanding and not judging. There is nothing worse than feeling rushed when you are going through the grieving process. I had supportive friends for around the first six months to a year but as soon as it hit the year mark of my brothers death, they literally said that I need to be happier and get on with my life! Like wtf?! What a stupid and incredibly insensitive thing to say…

No one understands how it feels to lose a brother unless they’ve lost their own brother. I miss him every day, he was the closest person to me except for my mum.

Keep strong guys, and I’ll keep strong too.