Anxiety, Body image, Challenging, Chronic health condition, Depression, Fat shaming, Gastroparesis, Generalised Anxiety, Heat, Mother and daughter, Panic Attack, Self confidence, Social Anxiety, Summer, Vegan

Summer sucks, bring back winter.

Summer. You either love it or you hate it, and for me, I despise it. I hate everything about summer from the heat to the bushfires to seeing perfect skinny people walking around showing their perfect bodies in shorts and bathers while I’m over here in my black maxi skirt and top trying not to go up in flames from overheating like a car engine.

Not only does summer make my self hatred and lack of confidence go down even more, it makes all my health conditions 10x worse. My chronic fatigue gets worse, my POTS gets worse but the main thing summer does would have to be the fact that my anxiety and depression plummets even more.
Winter is good because everyone is bundled up in jackets and scarves and you fit in, but in summer people try to wear as little clothes as they can without being arrested for public indecency. For someone with no confidence and self esteem and who finally gets the courage to go outside, it is so hard to see so many people showing off their bodies and walking around like they don’t have a care in the world. I on the other hand, spend an hour trying and retrying all my clothes on to see what I feel looks even remotely ok on me and even then I’m still hating on myself and just want to hide. I hate my arms so much that when it’s 35degrees outside I’m still wearing a light jacket-y/shawl thing so my arms aren’t showing. The other problem is that I only like to wear black maxi skirts so when I have to walk anywhere the inner part of my thighs start to chafe and then I’m stuck with a horrible burning and stingy feeling every time I take a step.
Another problem I have when trying to find clothes for me to wear is that because I’m so bloated all the time from the Gastroparesis I look pregnant and so I can only wear loose fitting tops and if I do find a dress that I don’t hate and doesn’t highlight my muffin top, I have to suck my tummy in the whole time I’m out and that sh*t is painful after a little bit!

So between the struggles of trying to find something to wear and the inflamed self hatred I have from seeing skinny people out in their shorts, I end up staying indoors most of summer! That gets expensive though because then you have to have the air-conditioner on all the time and those bloody rising electricity and gas prices… annoying much?!

I have a hard enough time regulating my internal thermostat when it’s not boiling hot, but when summer hits I basically shut down; I overheat and feel like I’m going to pass out alot and I can never get cool. My hot flushes get worse and the pounding heart I get thanks to the POTS also gets worse too. Oh and sleeping! My god that’s an even bigger nightmare every night. I toss and turn and then I get Restless Leg Syndrome so I have to stand up and try to walk around my house until the pain of that goes away but then when I lie back down it comes back again. I end up sweating and panting because my two fans just aren’t enough to get me cool so I have to get up and go to the lounge room and sit under the aircon for a little bit until I’m cooler and then try to get some sleep. Oh and if I had to go outside that day and walk around, I also have to be mindful of the chafing I experienced so I can’t sit or lie down with my legs closed so that makes trying to sleep that little bit harder.

I wish I had the confidence to wear whatever I wanted whether it be a cute dress or a skirt that goes above my knees or a cute singlet top without worrying about how I look but I just can’t do it. I become even more aware of how I look and have a harder time with my anxiety and depression and all those unhelpful negative thoughts I get. I am constantly trying to cover up my stomach with the little jacket/shawl thing I’m wearing so no one can see my love handles or that my bloating is really bad that day and I can’t suck my stomach in at all so I end up looking 7 months pregnant (this is not an exaggeration btw, I genuinely end up looking heavily pregnant sometimes because of the bloating associated with the Gastroparesis. On a ‘normal’ day I look around 4-5 months pregnant and I can kinda suck my stomach in.) ¬†I end up fidgeting more and have to make sure that my arms are covered and I am so in my head that if I’m spending quality time with Mum, I’m not really there with her because I can’t relax and enjoy myself.
I end up feeling like a sweaty, pregnant looking beached whale. 

Summer sucks all around for me and I don’t know if I’ll ever enjoy it…¬†

Keep cool to the people experiencing summer at the moment and to the people in winter right now, I’m super jealous.¬†

Maddy xoxo 

Twitter: @DMWAAG
Email: depressedmesswithanxietyandgrief@outlook.com

 

Featured image: https://me.me/i/i-feel-like-the-wicked-witch-in-this-heat-im-18479222

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Body image, Chronic health condition, Depression, Doctors, Gastroparesis, gluten free, Misdiagnosing, Uncategorized, Vegan

Misdiagnosing

Misdiagnosing a patient isn’t something a doctor wants to do but sadly it happens. Doctors are only human after all; even if they do act like they’re better than everyone and everything.¬†

I myself have been misdiagnosed a couple of times in the 3 years it’s taken me to finally get an accurate diagnosis. My chronic fatigue was easily diagnosed but diagnosing my gastroparesis hasn’t gone well at all!¬†

3 years ago I started getting really bad stomach aches and would alternate between diarrhoea and then constipation with a lot of blood in my stool. I was also bloated and looked pregnant (I still do but the doesn’t matter at the moment). Anyway, mum and I went to the emergency room at the Royal Childrens Hospital 4 times because of my double over stomach pains and the blood in my stool and every time they would do a blood test and then send me home. They never did anything more than take my bloods and get me to talk to a doctor. They referred me to one of their gastroenterologists and got me to talk to a social worker. They really weren’t any help at all. Well, I saw the gastroenterologist and he put me on the waiting list for a colonoscopy and endoscopy; that was meant to happen in April and I finally got in in November (even though I was on the category 2 list). I got the scopes done and the gastroenterologist told me that nothing was wrong and to come back in a couple of months.
Of course mum and I weren’t happy with that so we got a referral from my GP to see a paediatrician and to see if he could help. We went and saw the paediatrician and he straight away diagnosed me with the chronic fatigue which was great because now I had an answer to that and also to my heart problems but we originally went there for the stomach issues so we told him all about it and what had happened. I think it’s important that I also tell you that I was in the psych ward at this time. Anyway, so he basically told me that I was obese and needed to lose weight and then all my stomach issues would go away. He also made me get an X-ray which he told me was normal but when I went to my new gastroenterologist he told me that it WASN’T normal and that I needed to fix the issue ASAP. So after telling me that I was obese, grabbing my fat, telling me there was nothing was wrong with me and making me get an X-ray and then saying it was fine when it wasn’t he sent me on my merry way and told me to come back in a year or never if I didn’t need to see him.

I mentioned before that I was in the psych ward and that I thought that that was important to mention because what doctor who knows that you’re in the psychiatric unit at the hospital and knows that you have problems with your weight tells you that you’re obese and that you need to lose all the weight and then you’ll be fine? I was obviously in the psych unit because I wasn’t doing well and I had told him that part of the reason I was in there was because of my weight gain. Safe to say that I never went back to him!¬†

After that failure with the paediatrician¬†mum and I went back to my GP to get another referral to see a different gastroenterologist (Lets call him Bob) ¬†because nothing with my stomach had improved and it was actually getting worse and not better. So off we went to see another gastroenterologist; this time it was privately and hella expensive. Bob thought I had ulcerative colitis at first and put me on steroids and another medication he also booked me into hospital for another colonoscopy and MRI. I ended up staying in hospital for a week while we tried to figure out what was wrong with me. I had the colonoscopy done and once again nothing showed up and nothing showed up on my MRI either. I was so frustrated when nothing showed up, I didn’t want ulcerative colitis but I also didn’t want to not have an answer. I was tired of seeing doctors and getting told there was nothing wrong with me when I KNEW there was something wrong with me. I got discharged from hospital and went back to see Bob. He told me that he didn’t know what was wrong with me and then sent me home and told me that I had to do a bowel flush out every month. If you’ve ever had to do a bowel flush out to get ready for a colonoscopy or just because like me, then you know how disgusting it is. I mixed it with apple juice and now I can’t drink apple juice, I also used a certain glass for the flush out liquid and now I can’t even drink from that glass because it reminds me of the flush out and how disgusting is. Yuuuck.
So I did that and it didn’t help with the symptoms at all so I went back and he told me to try this medication which I did and it didn’t help at all; it made me feel really sick. Sent me back home. I went back to Bob a few months later and he said that I should do a gastric emptying study. So I did that test and… FINALLY an answer! My stomach empties 1.5 to 2 hours slower than the normal stomach. I asked him if it was gastropareis as I had been doing my research and he said yes. So there you go, after 3 years I finally got diagnosed with a rare and horrible disease called gastroparesis. Bob hasn’t told me anything about it so I’ve had to learn what I can on the internet and through Facebook groups. He also said that I need to see a pelvic physio who I’ve been seeing and has given my exercises to help me relax my pelvic floor and to help my bowel motions come out a bit easer and for other stuff…¬†

Bob put me on a new medications and it has really helped. I can now eat most meals without getting double over stomach aches and horrible nausea. The medication doesn’t work all the time so I still get the stomach aches and nausea but it’s not every meal I eat. I’m still bloated all the time and look pregnant which really gets me down. I pretend with mum to have maternity shoots and pose in funny positions because it’s easier to laugh about the way I look than to remember and think about the fact that I’m 18 and look pregnant even though I’m not and that I will always look pregnant and be bloated. Since Iv’e lost weight the bloating has become a bit smaller so I’m hoping that the more weight I lose the smaller the bloating will get. But that’s another thing, gastroparesis can cause either weight loss or weight gain and I suffer from the weight gain aspect of it so it is so ridiculously hard to lose the weight that I’ve gained. It takes me months just to lose 500 grams and that’s with walking every day. I also eat pretty well. I’m vegan and gluten free and I don’t eat much junk food at all. It’s so discouraging and annoying to try so hard and to not see results.¬†

Since Bob hasn’t told me anything about gastroparesis and I’ve had to google it, I’ve come across some scary facts about it. I never knew it was such a serious illness! People die from it and it’s scary. I’m not saying that I’m going to die from it but I am worried that I will get worse and I’ll end up with a feeding tube in hospital not being able to eat or drink… Gastroparesis is scary and I’m scared.¬†

So, here I am! Finally got my stomach issues diagnosed along with my chronic fatigue. Now I just have to get my fibromyalgia verifed and diagnosed. 

Keep safe,
Maddy xoxo 

Follow me on twitter if you’d like xx

PS- I got a puppy! Her name is Asher and I’m going to train her to be a therapy dog and get her certified so she can go everywhere with me and support me out there in the scary anxiety inducing world!¬†

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Body image, Chronic health condition, Depression, gluten free, Grief, Uncategorized, Vegan

A better me? No, just a vegan me.

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It’s 1:30 in the morning so you know what that means! Blog post time. Yay! I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this but all my posts are written in the wee hours of the morning when I can’t sleep because of my CFS.¬†

Now I’m not feeling very positive but I thought that I might write a positive post, who knows it might cheer me up? Yeah, I doubt that too.

My positive post today is about how I became vegan and gluten free and how it has affected me. I decided to become vegan and gluten free on the first of January this year as my mum has been vegan for about 2-3 years and has always been pushing me to give up everything that comes from an animal and I’ve got to say, it’s been a pretty good decision.¬†
I’m not gonna lie though, it wasn’t easy at first but now after watching many horrific videos of animals being tortured and slaughtered and going 10 months without animal products I am happy to say I am a fully committed vegan.¬†

I’m going to tell you the sad part of this blog post now and then get to the positive part.

After my brother died I gained a lot of weight and I mean a lot! Not all at once but gradually where it got to the point where I had put on at least 30kgs (yeah omg!!!) I truly believe that I put that weight on to protect myself from the trauma that came with watching my brother die and having my step-father be an a**hole. With the weight gain and the grief came the depression and with the depression came the over-eating and with the over-eating came a very fat and un-healthy Maddy. It got to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore so I tried Optislim for a couple of weeks and I did lose 5kgs but then I fell off the Optislim wagon and put double that back on. I was even unhappier than before and my health conditions even worse. So I pulled my crap together and went vegan and gluten free. ¬†

Now comes the positive part! The first week of my new adventure I did a smoothie cleanse (god I was hungry!) after that I cut out all dairy and all gluten and started eating gluten free bread instead of that yummy, fluffy and ¬†freshly baked Bakers Delight bread. I also started to walk as much as I could which wasn’t much considering I had ingrown toenails that needed to be surgically removed. I didn’t feel much different in the first few months health wise or so I thought, but looking back now I can definitely see that I’m much better than I was. I still have horrible flair ups like I do right now but things are different. I also started to loose weight, its been very slow because after 3 years of having no idea what was wrong with my digestive system I finally have a diagnosis of gastroparesis; this pretty much means that my stomach doesn’t empty as fast as it should and then makes the rest of my digestive system slow down. So as you can imagine, trying to lose weight with little to no metabolism ain’t easy! ¬†I have lost 10kgs so far and I know its not that much considering I have so much to go but it’s a step in the right direction. Writing that is weird because I’m so harsh to myself all the time about not meeting my monthly weight goal so I never really stop and say, “You know what Maddy? You have a stomach that doesn’t empty, you’ve had two toe surgeries that are still messing up, you have chronic fatigue, depression and anxiety and you are pretty much in constant pain.” I’m definitely going to have to tell that to myself more often I think…

Since losing weight through vegansim and gluten freeism (<—made up words) and trying to walk as much as I can, my bloating has defiantly gone down which is such a relief. I no longer look 8 months pregnant, only 3-5 depending on how my bowel is feeling and how much I ate.¬†
I’m actually going soy free at the moment too to see if that can help at all since that’s the only thing I haven’t tried excluding. It’s been one week so far and I see no difference but we’ll see how I go after another week.¬†

I truly believe that becoming vegan and gluten free has helped me (it’s also helped all those animals which were being slaughtered so I could have some ice-cream). A lot of meat eaters think that all we eat is vegetables and salad, well that’s not true at all. We have so many delicious things to eat and sometimes it’s even tastier than what non-vegans eat! Trust me, I would know since I was a meat eater for 16 years.¬†

If any of you read this post and are over weight or battling and illness I strongly suggest becoming a vegan. What have you got to lose? 

Please feel free to comment any thoughts or questions you might have. 

Lots of love,
Maddy xoxo

 

 

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