Anxiety, Body image, Challenging, Chronic health condition, Depression, Doctors, Exhausted, Family, Gastroparesis, Grief, New housemate, Panic Attack, Siblings, Social Anxiety, Tired

Life Update

It is the 4th of March and in 4 days the 12 weeks of hell will start. It’s the 12 weeks of hell because on the 8th of March my brother was diagnosed with his brain tumour and then on the 30th of April it would’ve been his 10th birthday and then on the 31st of May it is the 5 year anniversary of his death and then on the 5th of June it is the 5 year anniversary of when we buried him and said goodbye. From the day he got diagnosed to the day he died it is exactly 12 weeks… So I’ve got that to look forward to! <— Insert very heavy sarcasm.

A month and a bit ago I got some blood test results back that weren’t too great at all. One of my markers was a low positive for Scleroderma which is a very serious and horrible disease. I went to a rheumatologist and he tested my bloods again and they came back as completely negative which is great! I really didn’t need another health problem. I also went and saw my gastroenterologist and I have to get another colonoscopy in a week to check for stuff like Ulcerative Colitis because my bowels haven’t been too happy with me lately. He also gave me some new pain relief that should hopefully actually work. I’m nervous about the bowel prep because my stomach can’t handle that much liquid and it’s so sensitive and the bowel prep is some nasty sh*t. I’ll do my best but I’m really not looking forward to it at all.

I’ve started a new diet to try and help my lose the weight I need to lose and that’s the 5:2 diet. For two days a week I only eat 500 calories and then the other five days I eat healthily and my normal calorie limit.  I’m also trying to walk on the treadmill every day or take my dog to the dog park and walk around that a few times.

I’m looking into maybe doing year 11 through Distance Education to get my brain doing something and to get a sense of achievement and accomplishment at the end of the day so I don’t feel like I’ve achieved nothing. I have to call the co-ordinator back and ask her a few questions on whether or not they can accomodate all my issues.

I’m still seeing my psychiatrist, psychologist and social worker. My psychiatrist’s fix to all my issues is to go catch a train and get me using public transport. Yes, it would open up more ‘opportunities’ for me to do, but at the same time, what exactly can I go do with my mental health issues and physical health issues? Even if I can push past my anxiety and catch a train or bus, my fatigue and stomach pain is too bad for me to actually do anything. So I really don’t see how pushing myself to catch a train is going to help. Also, when I do push my anxiety, fatigue and stomach pain to catch a train, I’m going to end up pushing myself too much and then take 20 steps back and be bed ridden for a week.

I had to stop my sleeping medication because it was making me so hungry and I was putting on weight which doesn’t help my mental health at all so now I’m not sleeping much and the sleep that I do get is poor and full of nightmares and tossing and turning. Lack of sleep also make my mental health crapper and I don’t have the same resilience to my life and therefore I have to fight even harder to stay out of the depression hole with no energy to spare. It’s exhausting not sleeping. 

Things with the housemate are still sh*t, awful and a major stress. He’ll be moving out very soon fingers crossed! 

Basically nothing has really improved at all and I’m still struggling and trying to do my best! 

Keep safe everyone,
Maddy xoxo 

Twitter: @DMWAAG






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Anxiety, Challenging, Change, Chronic health condition, Death, Depression, Doctors, Exhausted, Family, Gastroparesis, Generalised Anxiety, Grief, Mother and daughter, Panic Attack, Siblings, Sisters, Social Anxiety, Step-father, Tired


Well another year is over! I survived another 365 days of being chronically sick, mentally sick and grieving. I stayed alive to see another year through. I should be proud of myself right? I wish I could say that 2017 was my year, but it really wasn’t. 

Here’s an overview of what happened in 2017:

The best thing to happen in 2017 is that I got my puppy Asher in June! She is the sweetest little cavoodle, although she does have a bit of a mean side like her Mum… (me)😉 She is now 8 months old and going through her terrible threes a little bit. Yikes, indeed. But when she’s not running around trying to chew everything and destroy tissues she is loving and loves to give you hugs and affection. She has been a great distraction and friend for me but that’s not to say that it’s been easy looking after her. There are some days when I’m just too exhausted emotionally and physically to give her what she needs (a walk, attention and to be played with ect) and that’s where my Mum steps in. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t get her and have the extra responsibility but I guess that extra responsibility is what I need to make sure I don’t become a complete hermit and let myself get sucked into the dark hole of depression and lay in bed all day. Asher makes me get up out of bed, feed her and look after her. I love her so much and could never re-home her but I’d be lying if some days I thought it would be easier without her… Those thoughts usually only occur when like I said before, I’m exhausted -usually from life- I’m in a lot of physical pain or when I’m having a really hard time with my anxiety and depression. It’s nice though that when I am feeling so down she comes into my room and climbs onto my bed and attacks me with her kisses and hugs. She can make me smile when I feel like I might never smile again.

Here’s a photo of one of the funnier ways she’s fallen asleep.  


She also has her own Instagram page if you’re interested!

There was also a lot of bad sh*t happen in 2017, mostly regarding my physical and mental health. My physical health got so much worse which I didn’t think was possible but I was so wrong. My chronic fatigue became unbearable to the point of me literally not being able to get out of bed or I was able to just make it to the couch and that is where I stayed for the rest of the day. My gastroparesis also went through a couple of pretty bad flares which left me in a lot of incredibly bad pain and nausea. My medication for that also stopped working like it used to so I stopped that for about a month to give my body a break from it and just stuck to soft foods while I let my body rest and now I’ve been back on that for the past few months. I didn’t lose anymore weight, I actually put about 2kgs back on. Dammit! I tried to walk everyday but between my physical health and mental health I had a pretty hard time with that. 

I joined my local youth programme within my council and went to one of their programmes which was once a week for 4 weeks. That didn’t help at all with anything and was really just a waste of time. I never heard back from the youth worker after that finished though so no more help from them. 
I went to a programme at the outpatient pain clinic at my local hospital. That was for two days and once again, I didn’t find helpful at all… 

I really suffered with my mental health. There was a period a few months ago where I thought I was going to end up back into the psych ward but I was able to medicate myself and find a way out of that suicidal hole. I still have extremely bad anxiety every day so me going to both of those programmes I mentioned above was such a big deal for me even if I did come home and have a  total breakdown and panic attack over it. 
I continued to see my psychologist regularly and even spoke up one session and told her that what we were doing and some of the things she said to me wasn’t helpful. That was a massive step for me because I had never said anything to her about how what she was saying I found unhelpful before.
I started seeing a new psychiatrist whom I have been seeing every fortnight. She has been very helpful medication wise but there have been a few things she has said in our sessions that I found to be very insensitive and hurtful. I tried talking to her about how I found those things she said insensitive and hurtful and I was semi-able to say what I wanted to say but I also found myself lying to her about something because I felt like she would never hear me properly…
She started me on a new medication to help me sleep and with a few dosage changes we have found a dosage that usually gets me to sleep and keeps me asleep. It doesn’t work all the time but I don’t expect it to work every single time. She also started me on a new medication to try to help me with my chronic fatigue and I guess it works the tiniest bit. It takes a very thin layer off of my fatigue so that I’m able to get dressed and move off the couch but it hasn’t helped with my brain fog or given me energy. I don’t know if a higher dosage would help or not but for now we’ll keep it at what it is. She also gave me a new medication for my anxiety and panic attacks and that definitely helps but I try not to take it unless I really have to and can’t handle my anxiety or if I have to go somewhere like to a medical appointment. I also take it if I’m having a really hard day with my depression and grief. 

Yes my grief is still here and active. I still miss Chase every single day and struggle with him not being here. I don’t cry as much as I used to and I don’t know if that’s because I’ve gotten better at suppressing my overwhelming grief or if I’ve become more detached from my feelings but there are still days like I mentioned before where the grief is so bad that I can’t handle it and I have to take something to help me get through the day.  
2017 marked 4 years since Chase’s death and it also would’ve been his 9th birthday if he was still alive.
A few people said this year that it was time that I moved on from Chase dying and that it had been long enough and to them, four years might sound like a long time but to me, it feels like it happened last week or a year ago. People also said that Chase dying was the cause of all my health conditions and to that, I say no, it wasn’t. It is so unfair and disgusting that they are happy to blame my baby brother’s death for the reason I’m sick. I had stomach problems since I was a BABY! NOT only after Chase died. Sure, the emotional stress put a strain on my body and therefore triggered or flared my stomach problems up but him dying didn’t cause them. Same with my anxiety and depression. I was already starting to get anxiety from school and my stepfather before Chase died and I was also starting to show signs of depression before Chase died.
I will continue to grieve my brother because I have that right and if his death and my grief stops me from doing certain things in life then that’s fine too. What I went through was so incredibly horrific and I have the right to take as much time as I need to heal and process what happened. My brother dying, my right to take as long as I need to grieve.

Since we’re talking about siblings, my sister Holly comes to mind as one of that bad things of 2017. She continued to hate on my Mum and I for saying that we didn’t like her boyfriend and therefore pushed us out of her life. I decided to write her a letter which she read but never responded to and then in April after not hearing from her for months she randomly messaged me one day asking for my details for her will. I messaged her back and said that I hadn’t heard from her for months and then all of a sudden she wanted my details for her will and that that isn’t ok. She then decided to tell me (all through message) that she had a brain tumour not that I would care! Yes, you read the right folks. My sister told me over message that she had a brain tumour and then added that I wouldn’t care.
(Side note: For those of you who are reading  this blog post and who haven’t read my other posts about my brother Chase, he died from a rare, incurable and inoperable brain tumour at the age of 5 and from the day he got diagnosed to the day he died it was 12 weeks.)
So of course I rang her straight away and asked her what was going on and what did she mean when she told me that she had a brain tumour and she told me that she had a MRI done and they found a brain tumour. Well, that brain tumour ended up being a pretty common pineal cyst, NOT a brain tumour.
The fact that she said and I quote ” I have a brain tumour not that you’d care” hurt me so  much. The next day I rang her and said to her that if she wanted to talk about the letter that I sent that I would be happy to talk to her but I also said that if she wants that to happen that she has to contact me and that I wouldn’t chase her around trying to get her to talk to me. Well, I never heard from her again so I guess she didn’t miss me that much and doesn’t want to have me in her life… 
I am so hurt that she basically disowned me but I have to accept that I guess. Holly will never be able to be the sister that I want and we’ll never have the relationship that I want to have. And before you say “But you’re family” or “Maybe in a few years you two will reconnect”, Holly and I have always had a very strained relationship and the fact that she dislikes my Mum so strongly I can’t handle. I don’t want to have someone who can feel so negatively about the ONE person in my life who has been there for me through everything and who is my best friend. Anyway, that’s another story for another day. 

So basically 2017 was a big ball of sh*t! It was meant to be my year for everything to change from 2016 but that didn’t happen. I really need 2018 to be different; I don’t know if I’ll be able to survive another year like 2017 and have nothing change. I will take all the steps that I can towards things changing this year but I also think people in my life need to remember that I’m not just fighting mental health issues OR physical health issues, I’m fighting BOTH at once. It’s not one or the other for me. 

I hope 2018 will be the year that things change for the better for you people reading this and that you get everything you want. I also hope that 2017 wasn’t too bad for you.

Keep safe,
Maddy xoxo  


Twitter: @DMWAAG
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Death, Depression, Family, Grief, Siblings

How Many Siblings Do You Have?

(Just for reference I have a younger brother who is 11 years old and an older sister who is 21 years old )

How many siblings do you have? It’s a simple question that surprisingly comes up quite a lot in conversation. Whether you’re on a date getting to know someone, in general chit chat/small talk or at a doctors appointment, people for some reason feel the need to ask you about your siblings and if you have any and how many. I don’t know why they can’t stick to talking about the weather or other neutral topics… I do understand that it’s what we’re grown up to ask and that it’s polite but maybe we need to start teaching people to think that maybe the person they’re about to ask has lost a sibling and that asking that simple question might not be so simple for them.  

It’s a question that a lot of people don’t have a problem answering but to us bereaved siblings it’s a reminder of everything that we don’t have, have lost and of the brother or sister who has died. As soon as you hear those words it’s like a punch to the gut and it feels like your heart is being ripped out of your chest; well that’s what it feels like for me anyway.

Whenever someone asks me that question I always freeze and start to stutter out words that make no sense or look at them and start to cry because I never know what to say.
What do I say?
Here are my options that I have come up with:

  • That I have 3 other siblings
  • That I have 2 other siblings and one died
  • That I have 2 other siblings and leave Chase out of it completely and don’t mention him at all

Is it disrespectful to Chase if I don’t mention him at all though? But if I say that I do have two other siblings and that one died then they’re probably going to want to ask me about it and how he died. The problem with that is that I then don’t know how much or how little to tell them and what I should and shouldn’t say about the whole thing. When people ask me how many siblings I have they sometimes also want to know how old they are and if they’re younger or older than me.  Chase died when he was 5 so if I do decide to include Chase in my siblings when answering the question do I say the age he was when he died or the age that he would be now if he was still alive? He would be 9 if he was still alive today…

So many sub-questions for what would seem like an uncomplicated and easy question to start with and to answer… 

Losing a sibling is such a different experience to losing a child, it’s a different relationship that no one will ever understand except you and your sibling.
I feel like I not only lost my brother, but I also lost my best friend and partner in crime when Chase died and reliving everything that happened if someone asked me how many siblings I have and I include Chase it will just be too painful to have to do that and to try to keep myself together.  It’s too painful to think about let alone say out loud.

I wish there was a handbook that could tell me how to grieve and what I’ll feel and what to say in situations where I don’t know what to say. My Mum says that it’s a good way of remembering your sibling and that might be so, but for me, it just makes me really sad and brings up all the grief feelings to the surface that I try to bury down so I’m not consumed by them everyday. 

It’s incredibly tricky and confusing to know what the right answer is and I just don’t know what to say… Maybe one day I will figure it out but at the moment whenever I get asked I’ll probably still freeze and start to stutter out words that don’t make sense.  

If any of you reading this post have lost a sibling and get asked that question what do you say and what’s your answer to the person asking you? Let me know in the comments. 

Keep safe,
Maddy xoxo 

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