We all experience change in our life. Sometimes it’s compulsory and sometimes it’s by choice and sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s bad. Change is inevitable.
Well two months ago I experienced a big change and I have been struggling with it every day. I’ll get to what that big change was soon but first I’m going to tell you why this big change had to happen.
We have been struggling with money ever since we got kicked out of my step-fathers ( house with nothing. We have been borrowing money off of friend’s for rent but we can’t ask them anymore because that’s just not fair on them, so now that we aren’t borrowing money off people we can’t afford our rent which is where Mum’s male friend comes in to play. Lets name him… Ned
Ned and Mum have known each other for a few years now and have dated on and off throughout those few years and I have always been pleasant bordering on friendly to him but the truth is, I just don’t like him; he hasn’t treated Mum the way I think she deserves to be treated and has said some pretty bad things to her. Ned is extremely immature and pretty much a man-child. He’s lazy and doesn’t put any effort into anything. Two months ago Ned moved in. It was an extremely difficult decision for Mum to make and it’s a decision she didn’t make lightly but we need help with the rent and he’s that help.
For four and a half years it has just been me and Mum. Mum and me watching TV, Mum and me in the kitchen, Mum and me going for walks together and now it’s Mum, me and Ned. Not all the time of course; Mum makes sure that we get our mother/daughter time together but when Mum and I are just chilling at home watching TV it now includes Ned if he’s not in his room and if Mum and I are chilling in the lounge room that’s where he is too 90% of the time.
For four and a half years Mum and I’s home has been a safe place and a male energy free zone but now it’s contaminated with male energy and I’ve got to say, Ned’s energy isn’t that great as he sulks and has the sh*ts a lot of the time because he’s not getting what he wants which is Mum’s undivided attention and devotion to him. As you can probably tell by now, I’m not his #1 fan!
I completely understand why he’s here and he lowers the rent cost and I know this wasn’t an easy decision for Mum at all so I don’t resent or blame Mum for anything. I feel annoyed and angry that this (Ned moving in) was the only option we had otherwise Mum and I would’ve been homeless. I’m angry at Michael for not giving Mum the settlement she deserved and earned and instead he gave her nothing.
For the two months that Ned has lived here he hasn’t done anything to help around the house. He knows that Mum and I have chronic illnesses and still, no help. If he takes the recycling down he makes sure that we know and see him by telling us that he’s taking it down. What does he want? A medal for taking the freaking recycling down that we all do as well and that he contributes too? I’ve done the vacuuming and Mum has also and she asked Ned if he could do it and he still didn’t do it, I ended up doing it. His laziness infuriates me to no end because when I’m sitting on the couch all day it’s because I am so fatigued I can’t keep my eyes open and because all my joints and bones are throbbing and my feet are burning, NOT because I’m lazy. Ned doesn’t have any health conditions. He doesn’t have chronic fatigue or fibromyalgia or lupus, so when he doesn’t do anything and sits on the couch all day it’s because he’s lazy.
I am trying so hard to adjust to this big change and to remind myself that this won’t be another M situation. You would know what I mean by that if you’ve read some of my other posts but in a nutshell the M situation was him judging me, fat shaming me, telling me I was lazy, hating on me, getting jealous of me and my relationship with Mum and glaring at me every other minute for no reason. Basically he acted like he hated me and couldn’t stand me. I know Ned isn’t M because there’s only one M, and that’s M, but that doesn’t mean that the way Ned has been behaving this last week hasn’t triggered my PTSD into feeling like it was another M situation happening…
The other day Mum and Ned were fighting and Mum went to her room to get some space and an hour later or so Ned just walked into her room without knocking demanding that Mum talk to him and when she said no and went to shut the door Ned resisted against it. So Ned barging into Mum’s room without knocking and resisting it when Mum closed it just reminded me that that was how M would react to a fight so that then triggered me.
I promised myself that if another man ever behaved in a way that was out of line or threatening towards Mum that I would say something and stand up for Mum and not sit back quietly and not saying any thing like I was forced to do with M.
Well, it’s safe to say that I said something to Ned! I walked up to him in the lounge room and at first I talked very calmly and I said to him that if he wants to talk to Mum that’s fine but don’t you dare barge into her room without knocking and then resist against the door when Mum tries to close it. He argued with me and said that he didn’t resist against it and I said fine, but you do not just go into Mum’s room without knocking ever again. I started yelling then and said that I will not have another M situation again and he said that he’s not M and then I completely lost my cool and started screaming at him and I don’t really remember what I said but I do remember saying something about my health and Mum’s health not needing this and for him to never talk to me again…
He and Mum then got into a screaming match and they had a big fight and Mum told him to move out. He left for a few hours and then when he came back he just ignored me completely and then also ignored me all of the next day but that was also another trigger because M would just ignore me, so Mum told Ned to talk to me and to stop ignoring me and now we talk about the weather and how his keyboard wouldn’t work.
I told Mum that I would like to sit down and talk with Ned and apologise for yelling because I know that that’s not how you tell someone how you’re feeling and I would also like to explain to him that me screaming at him wasn’t all about him, that it was years and years of pent-up anger with M and I just released a little bit on to Ned and I would also like to explain that he triggered my PTSD and also to remind him that him moving in has been extremely hard for me and that it’s only been 2 months and that for nearly 5 years before that it was just me and Mum and that the past experienced I’ve had living with a man haven’t been great at all and to try to get him to acknowledge that I am trying and that he already knew that I didn’t really want him to move in.
Well, Mum’s asked for us all to sit down twice now as I would like to talk to Ned and both times he has said no and hidden in his room so we couldn’t talk.
Mum and Ned are working on the fight they had and the issues in their ‘relationship’ and Mum has decided to move on from the fight so Ned isn’t moving out now.
I’m hoping that within the next two days I’ll be able to have my talk with Ned.
I have a hard time letting things go and forgiving people, that’s something I have to work on. Mum on the other hand, is very forgiving and good at letting things go…
So, so far this big change hasn’t been the best but I really do hope that it does get better because I don’t like feeling how I feel towards Ned and feeling triggered… I also don’t like how this has put Mum in the middle of Ned and I; that’s not fair on her and she doesn’t deserve to feel like that and have to feel like she has to choose between us. I would never want her to feel like that.
Keep safe everyone,