Body image, Depression, Emotional eating, Food addict, Guilt, Uncategorized

What it’s like being an emotional eater and addicted to food…

2013-09-25-beast

Food. I love it and I hate it. It’s heaven and it’s hell. It’s good and it’s bad.

My relationship with food is a complicated one because as you can see in the title of this blog, I am an emotional eater and addicted to food.

“Hi, my name is Maddy and I’m a foodaholic.”
“Hi Maddy” (you all say in a bored monotone voice).

Food has always been a comfort to me, it’s always been there when I needed it and sometimes I hate food for always being there. I eat when I’m bored, sad, angry, anxious, tired and just about every other emotion you can feel. It’s a crutch for me to stand on; a very unhealthy and unhelpful one at that.

But what does it actually feel like being an emotional eater and addicted to food?
It feels like a viscous cycle that you know you need to get yourself out of but you just can’t. I’ll be sitting on the couch feeling bored and without me even realising what I’m doing I’ve gotten off the couch and eaten the rest of the chips, put some toast in the toaster and while that’s cooking heated up a muffin and because that wasn’t enough to eat i’ll go back and finish off the corn chips! All because I felt a little bored… Right now as I’m writing this blog post all I can think about is how nice a toasted bread roll would be, but then I remember how I feel after I’ve gone on that food binge and I start to hate my self and resent my self.  I start thinking about how fat I am and how no body likes a fat person. But then those thoughts make me feel sad and I want to go eat! So as you can see, it’s a horrible cycle.

EAT->FEEL BAD ABOUT SELF->EAT SOME MORE->FEEL EVEN WORSE ABOUT SELF->MAYBE EAT AGAIN->FEEL SO DOWN AND DEPRESSED THAT I CAN’T GET OFF THE COUCH TO EAT ANY MORE <—- Fabulous isn’t it?!

When I’m feeling really down food makes me happy, even if its just for those minutes that I’m eating it I feel ok and that’s where I get stuck in the cycle. I don’t think to go and distract myself I don’t even think at all! It’s like breathing I just dot it.

It’s such a messed up thing and I hate it. I hate that food is the one thing to make me happy and sad all in the space of 10 minutes.
I’m getting better though at not hating on my self too much I think. My mums a big help in that because she knows how I feel and what it’s like to eat your emotions away.

My psychologist says something to me every time I see her and that is to ‘Be kind to yourself’ and I always roll my eyes and say yeah ok, but she’s right. I do have to be kind to myself because if I hate on my self too much and end up being a depressed mess (Get it? ;)) I’ll feel the need to eat again and get stuck in that cycle that in no way helps me.

I need to start to remind myself that food doesn’t help, it makes everything worse. I need to stop myself when I’m in the kitchen looking for food and tell myself to go do something else if I’m bored.

Food shouldn’t be my crutch it should be my friend that I visit every day for breakfast, lunch, dinner and an afternoon pop in for tea if I’m feeling peckish.
I also need to learn to be ok with my feelings and to sit with them and not immediately go and put something in my mouth.

Love to you all,
Maddy xoxo

Standard
Chronic health condition, Depression, Grief, Guilt, Survivors guilt, Uncategorized

Guilt… I don’t like this emotion!

There are a couple of different types of guilt I feel on a day to day basis these include: survivors guilt, suicidal guilt and the guilt of being a bad daughter. I’m going to start with the survivors guilt I feel most days.

My brother died three and a half  years ago from brain cancer; the cancer killed him within twelve weeks of his diagnosis. The many thoughts running through my head when he died and still up to this day are ‘Why wasn’t it me?’, ‘Why did he have to die and not me?’, ‘I should’ve been the one to die instead of him’, ‘He was too young and I was older’ and ‘It would’ve been easier if I died instead of him’. These many dark and gloomy thoughts plague my mind constantly. I feel so guilty that I’m still living and he’s dead and that he will never experience becoming eighteen, moving out, friends, love, marriage, kids ect. He will forever be five years old and only a memory I have in my brain, but here I am wanting to kill myself! And that’s where my guilt for being suicidal comes in. I know all these things about my brother not getting older and experiencing life and yet I still can’t help but feel like I want to die sometimes and get this life over with. I also have guilt about wanting to kill myself because how could I do that to mum?! She is the only reason I’m still here and the fact that I might miss my chance to be with my brother and have to reincarnate (yes, I do believe in reincarnation if you haven’t completed all your life lessons before you die or if you kill yourself). The thought of dying and not seeing mum and my brother for god knows how many years or if ever really makes my stay on this earth. I love my mum more than anything and the thought of leaving her breaks my heart and makes me cry, so really there’s no chance of me killing myself if I think of all the reasons why I can’t. Mum has already lost her soulmate, why would I put her through having to bury another child? That would just be cruel and incredibly selfish of me. So don’t worry mum, you’ve got another forty years to put up with me! 😉 

Every birthday I have I can’t really enjoy anymore. I feel guilty if I get excited or happy because what kind of sister gets excited when her brother is dead and will never have another birthday? Every year I get older and every year it’s just another year of my brother being dead. I also haven’t been to the cemetery in such a long time and I feel guilty for that too; it’s just too hard for me to go there, but does that make me selfish for putting my feelings before my dead brothers grave? I don’t know, it’s just too confusing and complicated. 

Should we talk about my guilt of being a terrible daughter now? I think so! 
In my house it’s just mum and me, mum goes to work when she can (she has an auto-immune condition along with depression and anxiety) and I just stay at home all day trying to do some school work and chores when I can. I feel so guilty that she has to go to work to support both of us and I do nothing to contribute. I know I have health issues along with depression and anxiety but I just wish I could do more. Mum is always telling me not to worry and that she doesn’t think I’m a horrible daughter, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking and feeling like that. I wish I could get a part-time job and help out financially so all the pressure isn’t on her… I hate having my health conditions and not being able to get a job, it’s so frustrating! Will mum one day wake up and resent me or think of me as lazy because I don’t do much? I do the vacuuming once very week which is my job and I do the dishes and some washing but really, I’m not helping pay for the food or bills or anything. Mum gets so stressed about money and I feel so guilty and bad about myself because I can’t do anything to help. I’m hoping that when I let go of some more weight my health will improve and I can get a part-time nannying job to help out financially at home. Fingers crossed alllllll my health (physical and mental) problems go into remission and I can start to help out a bit more. 

That’s enough for today I think! I should probably listen to my own advice but, keep safe, keep going and things will get better. 

Maddy,
xoxo

Standard