Anxiety, Body image, Challenging, Chronic health condition, Depression, Fat shaming, Gastroparesis, Generalised Anxiety, Heat, Mother and daughter, Panic Attack, Self confidence, Social Anxiety, Summer, Vegan

Summer sucks, bring back winter.

Summer. You either love it or you hate it, and for me, I despise it. I hate everything about summer from the heat to the bushfires to seeing perfect skinny people walking around showing their perfect bodies in shorts and bathers while I’m over here in my black maxi skirt and top trying not to go up in flames from overheating like a car engine.

Not only does summer make my self hatred and lack of confidence go down even more, it makes all my health conditions 10x worse. My chronic fatigue gets worse, my POTS gets worse but the main thing summer does would have to be the fact that my anxiety and depression plummets even more.
Winter is good because everyone is bundled up in jackets and scarves and you fit in, but in summer people try to wear as little clothes as they can without being arrested for public indecency. For someone with no confidence and self esteem and who finally gets the courage to go outside, it is so hard to see so many people showing off their bodies and walking around like they don’t have a care in the world. I on the other hand, spend an hour trying and retrying all my clothes on to see what I feel looks even remotely ok on me and even then I’m still hating on myself and just want to hide. I hate my arms so much that when it’s 35degrees outside I’m still wearing a light jacket-y/shawl thing so my arms aren’t showing. The other problem is that I only like to wear black maxi skirts so when I have to walk anywhere the inner part of my thighs start to chafe and then I’m stuck with a horrible burning and stingy feeling every time I take a step.
Another problem I have when trying to find clothes for me to wear is that because I’m so bloated all the time from the Gastroparesis I look pregnant and so I can only wear loose fitting tops and if I do find a dress that I don’t hate and doesn’t highlight my muffin top, I have to suck my tummy in the whole time I’m out and that sh*t is painful after a little bit!

So between the struggles of trying to find something to wear and the inflamed self hatred I have from seeing skinny people out in their shorts, I end up staying indoors most of summer! That gets expensive though because then you have to have the air-conditioner on all the time and those bloody rising electricity and gas prices… annoying much?!

I have a hard enough time regulating my internal thermostat when it’s not boiling hot, but when summer hits I basically shut down; I overheat and feel like I’m going to pass out alot and I can never get cool. My hot flushes get worse and the pounding heart I get thanks to the POTS also gets worse too. Oh and sleeping! My god that’s an even bigger nightmare every night. I toss and turn and then I get Restless Leg Syndrome so I have to stand up and try to walk around my house until the pain of that goes away but then when I lie back down it comes back again. I end up sweating and panting because my two fans just aren’t enough to get me cool so I have to get up and go to the lounge room and sit under the aircon for a little bit until I’m cooler and then try to get some sleep. Oh and if I had to go outside that day and walk around, I also have to be mindful of the chafing I experienced so I can’t sit or lie down with my legs closed so that makes trying to sleep that little bit harder.

I wish I had the confidence to wear whatever I wanted whether it be a cute dress or a skirt that goes above my knees or a cute singlet top without worrying about how I look but I just can’t do it. I become even more aware of how I look and have a harder time with my anxiety and depression and all those unhelpful negative thoughts I get. I am constantly trying to cover up my stomach with the little jacket/shawl thing I’m wearing so no one can see my love handles or that my bloating is really bad that day and I can’t suck my stomach in at all so I end up looking 7 months pregnant (this is not an exaggeration btw, I genuinely end up looking heavily pregnant sometimes because of the bloating associated with the Gastroparesis. On a ‘normal’ day I look around 4-5 months pregnant and I can kinda suck my stomach in.)  I end up fidgeting more and have to make sure that my arms are covered and I am so in my head that if I’m spending quality time with Mum, I’m not really there with her because I can’t relax and enjoy myself.
I end up feeling like a sweaty, pregnant looking beached whale. 

Summer sucks all around for me and I don’t know if I’ll ever enjoy it… 

Keep cool to the people experiencing summer at the moment and to the people in winter right now, I’m super jealous. 

Maddy xoxo 

Twitter: @DMWAAG
Email: depressedmesswithanxietyandgrief@outlook.com

 

Featured image: https://me.me/i/i-feel-like-the-wicked-witch-in-this-heat-im-18479222

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Abuse, Challenging, Change, Chronic health condition, Depression, Exhausted, Family, Fat shaming, Mother and daughter, New housemate, Step-father, Tired

Change Is Good… Right?

We all experience change in our life. Sometimes it’s compulsory and sometimes it’s by choice and sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s bad. Change is inevitable.

Well two months ago I experienced a big change and I have been struggling with it every day. I’ll get to what that big change was soon but first I’m going to tell you why this big change had to happen.

We have been struggling with money ever since we got kicked out of my step-fathers (Michael) house with nothing. We have been borrowing money off of friend’s for rent but we can’t ask them anymore because that’s just not fair on them, so now that we aren’t borrowing money off people we can’t afford our rent which is where Mum’s male friend comes in to play. Lets name him… Ned

Ned and Mum have known each other for a few years now and have dated on and off throughout those few years and I have always been pleasant bordering on friendly to him but the truth is, I just don’t like him; he hasn’t treated Mum the way I think she deserves to be treated and has said some pretty bad things to her. Ned is extremely immature and pretty much a man-child. He’s lazy and doesn’t put any effort into anything. Two months ago Ned moved in. It was an extremely difficult decision for Mum to make and it’s a decision she didn’t make lightly but we need help with the rent and he’s that help.

For four and a half years it has just been me and Mum. Mum and me watching TV, Mum and me in the kitchen, Mum and me going for walks together and now it’s Mum, me and Ned. Not all the time of course; Mum makes sure that we get our mother/daughter time together but when Mum and I are just chilling at home watching TV it now includes Ned if he’s not in his room and if Mum and I are chilling in the lounge room that’s where he is too 90% of the time.
For four and a half years Mum and I’s home has been a safe place and a male energy free zone but now it’s contaminated with male energy and I’ve got to say, Ned’s energy isn’t that great as he sulks and has the sh*ts a lot of the time because he’s not getting what he wants which is Mum’s undivided attention and devotion to him. As you can probably tell by now, I’m not his #1 fan!

I completely understand why he’s here and he lowers the rent cost and I know this wasn’t an easy decision for Mum at all so I don’t resent or blame Mum for anything. I feel annoyed and angry that this (Ned moving in) was the only option we had otherwise Mum and I would’ve been homeless. I’m angry at Michael for not giving Mum the settlement she deserved and earned and instead he gave her nothing.

For the two months that Ned has lived here he hasn’t done anything to help around the house. He knows that Mum and I have chronic illnesses and still, no help. If he takes the recycling down he makes sure that we know and see him by telling us that he’s taking it down. What does he want? A medal for taking the freaking recycling down that we all do as well and that he contributes too? I’ve done the vacuuming and Mum has also and she asked Ned if he could do it and he still didn’t do it, I ended up doing it. His laziness infuriates me to no end because when I’m sitting on the couch all day it’s because I am so fatigued I can’t keep my eyes open and because all my joints and bones are throbbing and my feet are burning, NOT because I’m lazy. Ned doesn’t have any health conditions. He doesn’t have chronic fatigue or fibromyalgia or lupus, so when he doesn’t do anything and sits on the couch all day it’s because he’s lazy.

I am trying so hard to adjust to this big change and to remind myself that this won’t be another Michael situation. You would know what I mean by that if you’ve read some of my other posts but in a nutshell the Michael situation was him judging me, fat shaming me, telling me I was lazy, hating on me, getting jealous of me and my relationship with Mum and glaring at me every other minute for no reason. Basically he acted like he hated me and couldn’t stand me. I know Ned isn’t Michael because there’s only one Michael, and that’s Michael, but that doesn’t mean that the way Ned has been behaving this last week hasn’t triggered my PTSD into feeling like it was another Michael situation happening…
The other day Mum and Ned were fighting and Mum went to her room to get some space and an hour later or so Ned just walked into her room without knocking demanding that Mum talk to him and when she said no and went to shut the door Ned resisted against it. So Ned barging into Mum’s room without knocking and resisting it when Mum closed it just reminded me that that was how Michael would react to a fight so that then triggered me.
I promised myself that if another man ever behaved in a way that was out of line or threatening towards Mum that I would say something and stand up for Mum and not sit back quietly and not saying any thing like I was forced to do with Michael.
Well, it’s safe to say that I said something to Ned! I walked up to him in the lounge room and at first I talked very calmly and I said to him that if he wants to talk to Mum that’s fine but don’t you dare barge into her room without knocking and then resist against the door when Mum tries to close it. He argued with me and said that he didn’t resist against it and I said fine, but you do not just go into Mum’s room without knocking ever again. I started yelling then and said that I will not have another Michael situation again and he said that he’s not Michael and then I completely lost my cool and started screaming at him and I don’t really remember what I said but I do remember saying something about my health and Mum’s health not needing this and for him to never talk to me again…
He and Mum then got into a screaming match and they had a big fight and Mum told him to move out. He left for a few hours and then when he came back he just ignored me completely and then also ignored me all of the next day but that was also another trigger because Michael would just ignore me, so Mum told Ned to talk to me and to stop ignoring me and now we talk about the weather and how his keyboard wouldn’t work.
I told Mum that I would like to sit down and talk with Ned and apologise for yelling because I know that that’s not how you tell someone how you’re feeling and I would also like to explain to him that me screaming at him wasn’t all about him, that it was years and years of pent-up anger with Michael and I just released a little bit on to Ned and I would also like to explain that he triggered my PTSD and also to remind him that him moving in has been extremely hard for me and that it’s only been 2 months and that for nearly 5 years before that it was just me and Mum and that the past experienced I’ve had living with a man haven’t been great at all and to try to get him to acknowledge that I am trying and that he already knew that I didn’t really want him to move in.
Well, Mum’s asked for us all to sit down twice now as I would like to talk to Ned and both times he has said no and hidden in his room so we couldn’t talk.
Mum and Ned are working on the fight they had and the issues in their ‘relationship’ and Mum has decided to move on from the fight so Ned isn’t moving out now.
I’m hoping that within the next two days I’ll be able to have my talk with Ned.

I have a hard time letting things go and forgiving people, that’s something I have to work on. Mum on the other hand, is very forgiving and good at letting things go…

So, so far this big change hasn’t been the best but I really do hope that it does get better because I don’t like feeling how I feel towards Ned and feeling triggered… I also don’t like how this has put Mum in the middle of Ned and I; that’s not fair on her and she doesn’t deserve to feel like that and have to feel like she has to choose between us. I would never want her to feel like that.

Keep safe everyone,
Maddy xoxo

P.S- I now have an email! Feel free to send me any thoughts you have on my posts if you don’t want other people to see and also feel free to send me your ideas for what I should write about next! Here’s my email: depressedmesswithanxietyandgrief@outlook.com

Feature image: http://webecoist.momtastic.com/2008/11/30/earth-seasons-spring-summer-winter-fall-autumn/

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Body image, Fat shaming, Feminism

Fat Shaming Women 😠

200w_d

Lets talk about fat shaming women shall we? It infuriates me that in 2017 we are still naming and shaming people who are ‘fat’. I hate that word so much and everything that it stands for. Being ‘fat’ isn’t a bad thing at all.

There’s a stigma attached to being ‘fat’ and that is: that all ‘fat’ people are lazy and unhealthy. This is just NOT true!!! Why is it that to be classified as desirable and beautiful in today’s society we all have to be slim, toned with no imperfections with our body. We’re not allowed to have stretch marks or body hair and we all have to be under 60kgs. This just isn’t possible unless someones invents a robot and duplicates it and kills all us ‘fat’ and imperfect women.
It is scientifically proven that some people in their DNA are built to be curvy and not stick thin, but that doesn’t matter to most people; they look at us ‘fat’ people and imagine in their head everything they would do to us to make us thin and what society says we should be. They’re also probably making a meal plan to whip us into shape. I know for a fact that my body is naturally curvy and not straight up and down. 

I’ve always been overweight I even wrote a blog post about it (https://depresssedmesswithanxietyandgrief.wordpress.com/2016/01/29/always-always-always-the-fat-friend/). I’ve also always been bullied and ridiculed and judged because of my weight and what the number on the scale said. Even the teachers at school would make a face when they would write my weight down after I got weighed during P.E class.  
There is absolutely no reason that being overweight and not under 60kg should affect us or anybody else out there. We should be able to look the way we look and be confident and happy about it and not go out and feel like everyone is looking at you and judging you because of the size that you are. 

I honestly don’t think I’d care how I looked if I didn’t grow up with society’s words in my head that ‘fat’ is unhealthy and no good and skinny is great and what you need to be. I don’t need to be anything except me and yet I feel as though I can’t do that because everywhere I look someone is telling me different and that what I look like isn’t ok. 

There is nothing wrong with being different. Why would we all want to be and look the same? That would be so boring. 
I wish we could all grow up in a world where being overweight is ok and being skinny is ok and just being yourself is ok. 

In the olden days if you were ‘fat’ it was good! It meant that you were wealthy and of the upper class and if you were skinny you were poor and of the lower class because you couldn’t afford to eat. 

Being a female in today’s society is hard enough without the added pressure and judgment of being not the ideal weight. We are looked down upon my men as being less than them and being overweight just adds more fuel to their ‘I’m better than all women’ fire.  If a man is overweight he is no where near as judged like a woman being over weight is judged. And isn’t it ironic that a lot of the men judging us and discriminating against us because of our weight are over weight themselves? 

It’s so wrong that we still feel the need for a man’s approval of how we act, look, talk and behave. We are the only people who need to seek approval of ourselves, no one else has that right. 

We need to start telling future women that being ‘fat’ and overweight is ok and there’s nothing to be ashamed of if you are. Future women should be able to go out into the world feeling confident about themselves and not like they have to hide and try to blend into the crowds. 

I wish everyday that when I woke up and looked in the mirror I was happy about what I saw and not disgusted.
When I look in the mirror all I see are my stretch marks and flabby bits and my big thighs and my flabby arms. I don’t see anything past that. 

I have spent the past 4 years trying to lose weight and become skinny. Some ‘fat’ women are totally confident in their body and I think that that’s amazing and I applaud them but for me personally I can’t stand my body. In the past year and a half I have lost 16kgs and that’s great but it’s not even half way. Deep down I don’t feel like I’m meant to be ‘fat’ and overweight, I feel like I should be slim. I also have a health conditions that makes me gain weight but most of the time I forget about that and just hate on myself instead of being kind to myself and loving myself. 

A lot of my social anxiety comes from my weight and how I think I am perceived by other people when I’m out. I’m now at the point that when I go out with mum to eat I am acutely aware of all the people around me and wondering of they’re judging me on what I eat and looking to see how much I am eating. I can never relax and just be me. 

Can we also talk about how sh** the BMI scale is?! Ugh!!!

We all need to learn how to love ourselves and be able to look in the mirror and say “I am beautiful and I am worthy of love and I love myself.”

I really do hope that one day society can see ‘fat’ and overweight women as equals and as humans who deserve the same respect and treatment as skinny people. 

There’s this lady on Instagram who is all about body positivity you should go check her out: https://www.instagram.com/bodyposipanda/?hl=en

Also check out Clementine Ford, she’s all about feminism and is great: https://www.instagram.com/clementine_ford/?hl=en

Keep safe,
Maddy xoxo 

Feel free to follow me on twitter: https://twitter.com/Its_me_MaddyO

 

 

 

 

 

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