Anxiety, Body image, Challenging, Change, Chronic health condition, Chronic Pain, Death, Depression, Doctors, Emotional eating, Exhausted, Family, Generalised Anxiety, Grief, Menopause, Panic Attack, rare disease, Self confidence, Siblings, Social Anxiety, Survivors guilt, Tired

Why is life so hard?

Why is life so hard? Why do we have so many struggles? Why can’t life be easy with no struggles and just happiness? Why do we have to have bad times so we can appreciate the good times? Just once I would like things to go smoothly and to enjoy life. From the moment I wake up to the moment I finally fall asleep, it’s a struggle.

Life is pretty shit for me at the moment and that’s just facts. I need things to change and to get better because I can’t keep going on with how it is right now. My physical health drags my mental health down until I’m just this miserable, depressed, anxious in pain mess that no one would want to be around. I mean, I don’t even want to be around me sometimes!

I’ve began tapering the steroids now and I’m also on immune suppressants so hopefully they work and can stop or lessen the debilitating pain I get daily. I also saw the gynaecologist at the hospital and I am officially on the wait list for a pelvic floor Botox trial and also an exploratory laparoscopy to see if there’s any endometriosis causing my pain. I once again have another ingrown toenail so I have an appointment with the surgeon next week to get my third toe surgery. My mental health is not very good at the moment, I’m struggling with the thought of having this rare disease (Mesenteric Panniculitis also known as Sclerosing Mesenteritis) that doctors don’t really know how to treat or anything about. Yes, I am on medication for it (the steroids and immune suppressants) but it’s not a definite that it will help, it’s more of a lets give this a go and see how you respond to it kind of situation. I have a lot of anxiety surrounding my physical health so trying to deal with that is fun… not.
Steroids, what shitty but useful little things they are. The side effects from those are causing my mental health to get worse. I now have another chin that I didn’t have before, I’m extremely irritable and moody and I also now have a beard! I haven’t slept well in over a month, I have acne, I’ve gained weight and I just feel awful about myself. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror right now. The immune suppressants side effects aren’t fun at all. So far I’ve got worsened fatigue, migraines, whole body aches and basically feel like I have the flu without having the flu.
The menopause is going ok. The main problem is the hot flushes but they’re bearable so I’m ok with that.

I just want to know why life is so hard though. Why do we have to struggle and why do some people have a great life with no struggles? Why are some people poor and others overwhelmingly rich? I don’t understand why some people have such a hard life and others don’t; its not fair. I try to find at least one good thing in every day and yet lately I can’t even find one good thing. I tell myself my affirmations every day and I manifest, I connect to my spiritual side and do what I believe in and yet, things just seem to not change or they get worse! I just don’t understand it. I don’t understand the meaning of life. I feel so lost and scared and confused. I want answers and I want my life to change for the better.¬†

I feel like I’m going to cry all the time, I’m constantly full of anxiety and I basically feel like the world around me is spinning into a deep dark hole and I’m going to fall down into it. I’m only 19, I don’t want a life long rare chronic illness that may or may not shorten my lifespan. ¬†

It’s also anniversary season again so that doesn’t help things. March 8th was the 6 year anniversary of my brothers cancer diagnosis and next up is his birthday where he would have been turning 11 and then the anniversary of his death and then the funeral anniversary. All of those within the span of 12 weeks. Great.

I just want to curl into a ball under my blanket and never come out. I don’t want to face another day full of pain and anxiety and grief, I’m exhausted and over it.¬†

I feel so helpless and hopeless. 

Keep safe,
Maddy xoxo 

Twitter: @ChronicMaddy 
Instagram: @ChronicMaddy 

 

Featured Image: https://thewinninglane.com/why-is-life-so-hard/

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Body image, Depression, Emotional eating, Food addict, Guilt, Uncategorized

What it’s like being an emotional eater and addicted to food…

2013-09-25-beast

Food. I love it and I hate it. It’s heaven and it’s hell. It’s good and it’s bad.

My relationship with food is a complicated one because as you can see in the title of this blog, I am an emotional eater and addicted to food.

“Hi, my name is Maddy and I’m a foodaholic.”
“Hi Maddy” (you all say in a bored monotone voice).

Food has always been a comfort to me, it’s always been there when I needed it and sometimes I hate food for always being there. I eat when I’m bored, sad, angry, anxious, tired and just about every other emotion you can feel. It’s a crutch for me to stand on; a very unhealthy and unhelpful one at that.

But what does it actually feel like being an emotional eater and addicted to food?
It feels like a viscous cycle that you know you need to get yourself out of but you just can’t. I’ll be sitting on the couch feeling bored and without me even realising what I’m doing I’ve gotten off the couch and eaten the rest of the chips, put some toast in the toaster and while that’s cooking heated up a muffin and because that wasn’t enough to eat i’ll go back and finish off the corn chips! All because I felt a little bored… Right now as I’m writing this blog post all I can think about is how nice a toasted bread roll would be, but then I remember how I feel after I’ve gone on that food binge and I start to hate my self and resent my self. ¬†I start thinking about how fat I am and how no body likes a fat person. But then those thoughts make me feel sad and I want to go eat! So as you can see, it’s a horrible¬†cycle.

EAT->FEEL BAD ABOUT SELF->EAT SOME MORE->FEEL EVEN WORSE ABOUT SELF->MAYBE EAT AGAIN->FEEL SO DOWN AND DEPRESSED THAT I CAN’T GET OFF THE COUCH TO EAT ANY MORE <—- Fabulous isn’t¬†it?!

When I’m feeling really down food makes me happy, even if its just for those minutes that I’m eating it I feel ok and that’s where I get stuck in the cycle. I don’t think to go and distract myself I don’t even think at all! It’s like breathing I just dot it.

It’s such a messed up thing and I hate it. I hate that food is the one thing to make me happy and sad all in the space of 10 minutes.
I’m getting better though at not hating on my self too much I think. My mums a big help in that because she knows how I feel and what it’s like to eat your emotions away.

My psychologist says something to me every time I see her and that is to ‘Be kind to yourself’ and I always roll my eyes and say yeah ok, but she’s right. I do have to be kind to myself because if I hate on my self too much and end up being a depressed mess (Get it? ;)) I’ll feel the need to eat again and get stuck in that cycle that in no way helps me.

I need to start to remind myself that food doesn’t help, it makes everything worse. I need to stop myself when I’m in the kitchen looking for food and tell myself to go do something else if I’m bored.

Food shouldn’t be my crutch it should be my friend that I visit every day for breakfast, lunch, dinner and an afternoon pop in for tea if I’m feeling peckish.
I also need to learn to be ok with my feelings and to sit with them and not immediately go and put something in my mouth.

Love to you all,
Maddy xoxo

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