Chronic health condition, Depression, Doctors, Exhausted, Family, Grief, misunderstood, Mother and daughter, Tired

Behind The Mask

Behind my mask I am struggling everyday and I am trying to be the strongest that I can be.

A lot of doctors have no idea about mental health illnesses like depression and anxiety. It astounds me when a medical professional (especially if they’re in the mental health field) says or does something completely wrong knowing that you are mentally ill.¬†

I had an appointment with my gastroenterologist the other month and it was the day after Chase’s birthday or death, I can’t quite remember… Anyway so I was obviously more upset than normal and crying more, so I went into his office and had my appointment and told him how I’m really struggling at the moment and he only said ‘Well of course you are’, yeah that’s fine whatever, but when I went back two months later, I had been having a really hard time and feeling suicidal the week before the appointment so I went in and he asked me how I was going and I said ‘not good at all actually’ and he just said ‘well you look like you’re doing a lot better which is good’ and mum was with me this time and she spoke up and said ‘no, she really hasn’t been doing well and she’s really struggling’. Bob (my gastroenterologist) cut her off and argued with mum saying that I look like I am doing better and then I spoke up and said ‘just because I’m not crying doesn’t mean I’m feeling any better.’ Bob just stayed quiet and ignored that and went on to ask me about how my gastro symptoms are going. I felt so belittled by Bob and like he didn’t understand mental illnesses at all. It was a really horrible moment.

In the past a similar thing has happened and it was even harder because it was in a special mental health school. The teachers’ always thought that because I had smiled or laughed that day I was automatically not depressed anymore and they would treat me differently. My case worker saw that and understood how I was feeling, so quite a few times he had to remind those teachers that just because I smiled or laughed doesn’t mean I’m all better now. Sometimes I feel very ¬†misunderstood by doctors and it’s really hard to understand because they’re medical professionals and you would expect them to have at least done a psych rotation at medical school right?¬†

The other day mum was at the doctor and a couple of days before mum’s appointment I saw that doctor. Mum has her appointment and the doctor tells mum that I’m doing quite well and I look like I’m doing good; or something like that.¬†
Just because I have clean clothes on and I brushed my hair doesn’t mean that I’m not struggling every day. What do doctors expect a depressed person to look like? Do us depressed people just have to walk around in our pyjamas all day with knotted hair and not having washed for a month? Or do us depressed people not get out of bed ever? But then how are we meant to go to the medical professionals to get help? And if we stay in our pyjamas all day not caring about self hygiene or stay in bed all the time and we do go to the medical professionals for help, they say that we’re not helping ourselves and making ourselves worse by not getting dressed and brushing our hair! So really, it seems that we can’t win.¬†

A month ago I got into a really bad depressive slump and I was very suicidal and nearly ended up in the pysch hospital again. My mum called my psychologist because she was worried about me and didn’t know what to do and my psychologists answer was to take me out to lunch! Because when I’m feeling like killing myslef because I see no reason to live, the only thing I want to do is go to a busy place for lunch and hang around outside! No, what I actually want to do is take my medication that knocks me out and go to bed until I feel like I’m not going to harm myself. When my psychologist said that, I felt so… I don’t even know what emotion I felt! I honestly couldn’t believe she had said that.

You kind of lose faith in the medical system when people who are meant to help you say such unhelpful and ignorant stuff.  

¬†I feel like I have gotten very good at hiding how depressed and hopeless I am. I’ve had to implement my poker face since Chase died. No one I have ever met has seen through it and seen how much I am struggling. It’s so tiring being so strong all the time and keeping my sh*t together. I just want to stay in bed all day where it’s warm and I don’t have to worry about anything outside my bedroom. I don’t know who I am outside of being majorly depressed, anxious and chronically ill.
I go to my appointments and I get dressed and I have showers and brush my hair and brush my teeth and wash my face, I do all this stuff and just because I do it, it doesn’t mean that I’m suddenly not depressed and mentally stable.¬†

I am broken and I will never be whole again. There will always be a part of me missing that Chase took when he died. I will always be grieving and some days it will be too hard and I WILL stay in bed all day and cry.
Being strong is good but breaking down is also good. I can’t always be strong.

I don’t know what the doctors need to see that I am struggling. My anxiety and depression are overwhelming a lot of the time but I keep going because it’s the only choice I have. I’m so sick of doctors and their small minded ideas of mental illnesses.
If doctors want to see me when I’m at my lowest then come on over to my house and watch me cry myself to sleep and cry so hard I start hyperventilation or I cry so hard that I feel like I’m going to throw up or see the look on my face when I think about everything I struggle with every day or the nosies I make because I’m so sad and I just want to die. If they want to see that to prove to them that I am in fact not doing well and depressed then they can.
I keep myself together so I can help mum because she can’t lose another child. I am struggling and I just want people to see that and acknowledge that and not assume that because I’m smiling or laughing I’m not dying inside. All I want is to be understood.

Behind my mask I am struggling everyday and I am trying to be the strongest that I can be.   

Keep safe,
Maddy xoxo 

Feel free to follow me on twitter!

 

 

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Body image, Chronic health condition, Depression, Doctors, Gastroparesis, gluten free, Misdiagnosing, Uncategorized, Vegan

Misdiagnosing

Misdiagnosing a patient isn’t something a doctor wants to do but sadly it happens. Doctors are only human after all; even if they do act like they’re better than everyone and everything.¬†

I myself have been misdiagnosed a couple of times in the 3 years it’s taken me to finally get an accurate diagnosis. My chronic fatigue was easily diagnosed but diagnosing my gastroparesis hasn’t gone well at all!¬†

3 years ago I started getting really bad stomach aches and would alternate between diarrhoea and then constipation with a lot of blood in my stool. I was also bloated and looked pregnant (I still do but the doesn’t matter at the moment). Anyway, mum and I went to the emergency room at the Royal Childrens Hospital 4 times because of my double over stomach pains and the blood in my stool and every time they would do a blood test and then send me home. They never did anything more than take my bloods and get me to talk to a doctor. They referred me to one of their gastroenterologists and got me to talk to a social worker. They really weren’t any help at all. Well, I saw the gastroenterologist and he put me on the waiting list for a colonoscopy and endoscopy; that was meant to happen in April and I finally got in in November (even though I was on the category 2 list). I got the scopes done and the gastroenterologist told me that nothing was wrong and to come back in a couple of months.
Of course mum and I weren’t happy with that so we got a referral from my GP to see a paediatrician and to see if he could help. We went and saw the paediatrician and he straight away diagnosed me with the chronic fatigue which was great because now I had an answer to that and also to my heart problems but we originally went there for the stomach issues so we told him all about it and what had happened. I think it’s important that I also tell you that I was in the psych ward at this time. Anyway, so he basically told me that I was obese and needed to lose weight and then all my stomach issues would go away. He also made me get an X-ray which he told me was normal but when I went to my new gastroenterologist he told me that it WASN’T normal and that I needed to fix the issue ASAP. So after telling me that I was obese, grabbing my fat, telling me there was nothing was wrong with me and making me get an X-ray and then saying it was fine when it wasn’t he sent me on my merry way and told me to come back in a year or never if I didn’t need to see him.

I mentioned before that I was in the psych ward and that I thought that that was important to mention because what doctor who knows that you’re in the psychiatric unit at the hospital and knows that you have problems with your weight tells you that you’re obese and that you need to lose all the weight and then you’ll be fine? I was obviously in the psych unit because I wasn’t doing well and I had told him that part of the reason I was in there was because of my weight gain. Safe to say that I never went back to him!¬†

After that failure with the paediatrician¬†mum and I went back to my GP to get another referral to see a different gastroenterologist (Lets call him Bob) ¬†because nothing with my stomach had improved and it was actually getting worse and not better. So off we went to see another gastroenterologist; this time it was privately and hella expensive. Bob thought I had ulcerative colitis at first and put me on steroids and another medication he also booked me into hospital for another colonoscopy and MRI. I ended up staying in hospital for a week while we tried to figure out what was wrong with me. I had the colonoscopy done and once again nothing showed up and nothing showed up on my MRI either. I was so frustrated when nothing showed up, I didn’t want ulcerative colitis but I also didn’t want to not have an answer. I was tired of seeing doctors and getting told there was nothing wrong with me when I KNEW there was something wrong with me. I got discharged from hospital and went back to see Bob. He told me that he didn’t know what was wrong with me and then sent me home and told me that I had to do a bowel flush out every month. If you’ve ever had to do a bowel flush out to get ready for a colonoscopy or just because like me, then you know how disgusting it is. I mixed it with apple juice and now I can’t drink apple juice, I also used a certain glass for the flush out liquid and now I can’t even drink from that glass because it reminds me of the flush out and how disgusting is. Yuuuck.
So I did that and it didn’t help with the symptoms at all so I went back and he told me to try this medication which I did and it didn’t help at all; it made me feel really sick. Sent me back home. I went back to Bob a few months later and he said that I should do a gastric emptying study. So I did that test and… FINALLY an answer! My stomach empties 1.5 to 2 hours slower than the normal stomach. I asked him if it was gastropareis as I had been doing my research and he said yes. So there you go, after 3 years I finally got diagnosed with a rare and horrible disease called gastroparesis. Bob hasn’t told me anything about it so I’ve had to learn what I can on the internet and through Facebook groups. He also said that I need to see a pelvic physio who I’ve been seeing and has given my exercises to help me relax my pelvic floor and to help my bowel motions come out a bit easer and for other stuff…¬†

Bob put me on a new medications and it has really helped. I can now eat most meals without getting double over stomach aches and horrible nausea. The medication doesn’t work all the time so I still get the stomach aches and nausea but it’s not every meal I eat. I’m still bloated all the time and look pregnant which really gets me down. I pretend with mum to have maternity shoots and pose in funny positions because it’s easier to laugh about the way I look than to remember and think about the fact that I’m 18 and look pregnant even though I’m not and that I will always look pregnant and be bloated. Since Iv’e lost weight the bloating has become a bit smaller so I’m hoping that the more weight I lose the smaller the bloating will get. But that’s another thing, gastroparesis can cause either weight loss or weight gain and I suffer from the weight gain aspect of it so it is so ridiculously hard to lose the weight that I’ve gained. It takes me months just to lose 500 grams and that’s with walking every day. I also eat pretty well. I’m vegan and gluten free and I don’t eat much junk food at all. It’s so discouraging and annoying to try so hard and to not see results.¬†

Since Bob hasn’t told me anything about gastroparesis and I’ve had to google it, I’ve come across some scary facts about it. I never knew it was such a serious illness! People die from it and it’s scary. I’m not saying that I’m going to die from it but I am worried that I will get worse and I’ll end up with a feeding tube in hospital not being able to eat or drink… Gastroparesis is scary and I’m scared.¬†

So, here I am! Finally got my stomach issues diagnosed along with my chronic fatigue. Now I just have to get my fibromyalgia verifed and diagnosed. 

Keep safe,
Maddy xoxo 

Follow me on twitter if you’d like xx

PS- I got a puppy! Her name is Asher and I’m going to train her to be a therapy dog and get her certified so she can go everywhere with me and support me out there in the scary anxiety inducing world!¬†

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Abuse, Body image, Chronic health condition, Death, Depression, Exhausted, Family, Grief, Step-father, Tired

What happens after (Part 1)

What happens after you have a horrible step-father, your brother dies, you’re kicked out of your home, you get a plethora of health conditions, you become incredibly depressed, you become suicidal and you have such bad anxiety that some days you can’t even look out the windows or leave the house because of how anxious you feel? What happens after all that? Well, it changes you in ways you didn’t know even existed and you learn to live with everything as sad as it sounds. How I’ve felt for the past 4 years has become my normal and that’s so depressing because my new normal is sh**! The only good thing I still have is my mum, that’s all. One person keeping me here on earth.¬†

I think I’ll talk about each issue separately starting with Michael:

A week after Chase died I was forced back to school by my horrible step-father, he went to work and my poor mum was left at home to deal with the silence and horrendous memories of the house alone. We were all forced to go back to normal by Michael (horrible¬†step-father) but how were we meant to go bak to normal when our normal had changed so drastically and completely in 12 weeks? I don’t understand how he was able to get up and go to work so soon after! Like what?! Who does that?¬†Michael also thought that two weeks after we buried my brother he would talk to me about how I’ve put on a little bit of weight and how I need to loose that and be more active outside. Yeah thanks Michael, that really helped. Psychotic asshole.¬†

¬†Michael was what you didn’t want in a father or step-father. He was angry, mean, cruel, hurtful, cold, selfish, fake, narcissistic, jealous, abusive and the biggest asshole to walk this planet. He was so mean and cruel to me for no reason. He used to tell me that I was fat and lazy and that I will end up smoking bongs on the couch doing noting with my life. After dinner when I would wash the dishes he would just sit in his spot at the head of the table and glare at me for no reason. I could feel him staring at me and judging me and sending his hate towards me while I was cleaning the pots and pans. He used to also lock me outside after I got home from school because he wanted me to spend more time outside and my mum couldn’t do anything because if she spoke up he would punish the rest of us and not give us money for food or firewood for the heater or water for the water tank and then mum, my brothers and I would all have to suffer at the hands of his anger. Mum stood up for me when he really crossed the line but in the end I learnt how to keep out of his way and stay away from him. When he wasn’t home after I would come home from school that was when mum and I caught up but as soon as I heard his truck or car come up the driveway I would run up to my room and not come back down until dinner time.¬†
I didn’t have much of a social life because all of my friend were scared and didn’t¬†like Michael, they didn’t want to come over and talk or see him and I don’t blame them, I didn’t want to be there either. I would often think¬†about running away but then where would I go? And leave mum there alone? I don’t think so plus I had no where to go.¬†

Michael started being mean to me at around the age of 10 as I was getting my own thoughts and feelings towards people and individuating into my own person. He didn’t like that I started seeing him as he was and not as the perfect do no wrong step-father I always thought he was. When I turned a little older that’s when the real glaring, judgement and negative comments would come.
When he and mum were fighting he would all of a sudden be nice to me and pay an interest in my stuff but that would only last until mum sucked up and apologise to him. Once they were back together and ‘all good’ again he would go back to not paying any interest in me and my school stuff and ignore my reports that I would want to show him because I got A’s and I was proud of that.¬†

Michael thought he knew everything about everything when in fact he knew very little. I understand that because he was raised by not very warm and loving parents and he grew up the hard way moulds him into who he is today but I don’t understand why he then has to teach his kids and treat his kids how he was treated. He never loved me, he saw me as a nuisance and a road block in the way of what he really wanted which was mum. When we used to go out as ‘one big happy family’ Michael would literally push me out of the way if I was walking next to mum because he wanted to walk next to her instead; how petty is that? I’m just a kid wanting to walk next to her mum and Michael the big bully has to come and push me out of the way. In the end it got very hard not to show my hatred towards him, it got harder everyday not to snap and tell him how much I hated him but in reality that would never happen because I was scared of him. He was a big, tall, angry, scary and a violent man. I never stood a chance.¬†

I don’t and never will blame or resent mum for staying with Michael for so long. I understand that she had no money of her own and no place to go or support, she also had Dusty (my other brother) and Chase to think about. We were stuck. All of us were abused by Michael and it has affected me in so many ways. Nearly every night I have a nightmare with Michael in it, if I hear a car that sounds like his I get anxiety and have to stop from having a panic attack and now I have such bad self esteem and body issues because of him and what he used to say to me that I loathe myself. I can’t look in the mirror without hating what I see. He used to also call me lazy all the time so now when I’m too tired to do anything because of my chronic fatigue instead of understanding that I have an illness and I’m unwell I just think of myself as lazy which means mum spends a lot of time reassuring me and reminding me that I’m not lazy and that I’m unwell with a medical condition and valid reasons for sitting on the couch watching TV.¬†

I often watch movies where the girl has the perfect dad who loves and cares for her and so wish that I could have what she has. I know that a lot of girls don’t have a dad like that but I still can’t help but wish that I had a dad who would do anything for them and who builds them up instead of smashing them down. Michael was a horrid man and I will always have to go through life with the damage that he’s caused to me and my body; mental and physical. I never want to see Michael or talk to him again, he contributed to my brokenness. One day I might be able to forgive him but that’s not right now.
I try, I really do but it’s so hard when I still think and am reminded about everything he did. It also doesn’t help that when Dusty comes over he’s a¬†constant reminder by the way he acts and what he says, he’s exactly like Michael. Dusty has no respect for me and thinks I’m fat and lazy just like Michael does.¬†

Getting kicked out of home with nothing but a few boxes of my clothes:

It was a Thursday night and mum and Michael had been fighting for quite a while. Mum had cooked us all dinner but Michael wasn’t home; he came home after dinner had been served and we had cleaned up. Dusty was still eating his though and he wanted some more cheese but we didn’t have any as we had used it for our dinner. Michael went and warmed up his dinner and Dusty asked for some more cheese, Michael went to the fridge to get some out but as there wasn’t any left he started slamming things and yelling at mum about there not being any cheese. Mum went down to her room and Michael sat down to eat his dinner a few minutes later Micahel got up and stormed down the hallway to their room where mum was. He slammed the door and started yelling at her. Mum started yelling out that Michael was hurting her and to let her go and to stop touching her, I eventually went down do their room (I had NEVER interrupted their fights before, I usually go to my room) and opened the bedroom door and screamed at Michael to let her go. He had mum by the wrists and was screaming angry words and threats right in her face.¬†He looked like a mad man and when I walked in. He let her go and told mum that she needs to get out of the house and that he’ll give her 6 hours to move out tomorrow (so Friday) after he had physically assaulted mum and told her to get us out he turned around and yelled at me right in my face to get the hell out of his way; he didn’t say it in exactly those words though. I honestly thought he was going to physically hurt me too. After had he had finished yelling at us and being physical with mum he went down and ate his dinner. Yes that’s right, after all that anger and getting physical with mum and went back to the dinner table and ate his dinner like nothing had happened, what a psycho. Who does that? Who can physically assault his wife and demand that she moves out of ‘his house’ and then go and eat dinner like nothing had happened in the past half an hour? A psychopath that’s who. After he finished dinner he went outside and got the boxes from storage and gave them to mum and told her to pack up her sh** and then he left again. Mum and I started to pack Chase’s room first, taking the most sentimental stuff like his clothes and toys and a few of his funeral programmes. After Chase’s room I went up and threw all of my clothes into boxes not taking notice of what I took and what I left. I left so many of my things behind, I literally only took my clothes. On Friday I took the day off school and mum and I moved our boxes to mum’s little investment house in the town over. The house was incredibly small with only one bedroom, no heater, no water, no gas, no firewood and no cooling; not that we needed cooling as it was the middle of winter! Mum and I had managed to move all our clothes and stuff within the 6 hours that Michael gave us to move out.

The hardest part of getting kicked out¬†was leaving Chase’s room and everything in there. Chase’s room was where I could go and cry and miss him without the judgment of Michael. Living in that little house was incredibly hard when there was 3 people living in a one bedroom house. Dusty and I slept on mattresses that were given to us by friends on the floor in the bedroom meanwhile mum slept on a mattress in the lounge room.¬†
There was no privacy at that house and no place where I could go and break down and let out all the feelings I had abut what had happened and Michael. We got through it though and after mum borrowed quite a lot of money off one of her friends we were able to get out of that tiny house and move into a normal size house where I had my own bedroom and bathroom and mum had her own bedroom and bathroom. Plus it had heating and cooling which was great! My anxiety was just starting out but it wasn’t that bad that I couldn’t go to school or leave the house. My depression also wasn’t bad either, it was¬†a year¬†after Chase had died so I was still in the numb, processing stage and hadn’t completely gotten the fact that my brother had died.

Health conditions (Gastroparesis, chronic fatigue syndrome, pelvic floor dysfunction):

My health conditions mostly started after we moved into the normal house. That’s when the extreme bloating, pain, fatigue and other yucky symptoms started to happen. It’s also when my anxiety became severe and so did my depression and I ended up leaving¬†my¬†mainstream school and enrolling into Distance Education. I’ll talk about my anxiety and depression more in part 2 of ‘What happens after’¬†but for now I’ll talk about all the stomach issues and fatigue.¬†

After I had left my school and started Distance Education I’d wake up every day looking 7 months pregnant and in a lot of pain. I would also sleep for 15 hours a day and be fatigued for the rest of the hours I was awake. I made trips to the emergency room quite a few times because of my bloating and pain and also because I would have blood in my poo (TMI I know, but that’s part of my life and this is a blog about my life so…) which isn’t normal. I would always get sent home from the hospital and told that I was fine and to take over the counter pain relief; it didn’t help with all the other symptoms, it helped with the pain a little but but that’s it. I got referred to see a gastroenterologist at the Royal Children’s Hospital and he booked me in for a colonoscopy and endoscopy. As I had thought they didn’t find anything and he told me to go home and to come back in a few months. Well, I wasn’t happy with that so I went and saw a paediatrician who told me I have chronic fatigue syndrome and associated POTS but my bowel issues and bloating was because I was overweight and that I just had to lose the weight and I’d be fine. Yeah thanks. Mum and I were relieved that we finally had an answer as to why I was so tired all the time and got exhausted walking from my bedroom to the lounge room, but as my stomach issues persisted and I still had pain, bloating and blood in my poo we went and got a referral from my GP to go see a different gastroenterologist privately. My new gastroenterologist has been great up until now as there’s not much more he can do for me unfortunately.¬†

When I went in for my first appointment he took me very seriously and listened to everything I had to say and told me that he thinks that I have Ulcerative Colitis, he put me on steroids and booked me into hospital to have another colonoscopy done and to get an MRI. Well, I went on the steroids and got the unfortunate side effects from them (extreme hunger, mood swings, moon face ect) and then went into hospital for what turned out to be a week long stay. I had to do a 3 day flush out which meant I couldn’t eat anything solid for three days and had to take a number of disgusting laxatives. If you’re reading this and you’ve had to have a colonoscopy before then you know what I mean when I say the actual flushout stuff¬†is the most disgusting thing in this world. Anyway, I did the colonoscopy and they didn’t find anything (typical) so I was taken off the steroids and then had to have an MRI done of my whole digestive system; that was super uncomfortable as I had to lay on my stomach for an hour. Once again they didn’t find anything abnormal and I was told I just have sever IBS and I was sent home and to get another follow up appointment with my gastroenterologist. We went back to him and he told me because I’m so constipated I have to do a flush out once EVERY MONTH! Nooooo¬†ūüė©ūüė∑ So I continued doing that and as nothing was improving, I was still bloated, in pain and constipated¬†he¬†told me that I needed to go get a gastric emptying study done (http://www.medicinenet.com/gastric_emptying_study/article.htm). So I went and did that and FINALLY something came back abnormal and we got some answers. It turns out I have something called Gastroparesis. This pretty much means that my stomach is a little bit paralysed and doesn’t empty food as quickly as a normal stomach does. I can’t tell you how relieved I was that I finally had some answers! So the end diagnosis¬†with my stomach is sever IBS and Gastroparesis. My gastroenterologist has put me on a medication called Motilium which has really helped; I can now eat without getting a severe stomach ache and severe nausea which is nice. I still get pain, I’m still bloated and I still get constipated but now I know why.¬†
The cause of my constipation isn’t just from my gastroparesis and IBS though, it turns out I also have Pelvic Floor Dysfunction. The problem with my pelvic floor is that it’s always tight and doesn’t relax and let go. You know when you do your kegel exercises and you can squeeze in and then relax again, well my pelvic floor doesn’t relax when I let go.¬†This¬†means that it’s hard for my poo to come out and it also means I can rarely use a tampon when I get my period. I have exercises I do but otherwise there’s not much else I can do at the moment.¬†
I’ve talked about my Chronic Fatigue before so I won’t go into that again…¬†https://depresssedmesswithanxietyandgrief.wordpress.com/2016/07/28/living-life-in-the-slooooooow-lane/

Alright peeps, this is a really long post so I’ll leave it here and I’ll upload part 2 next week. Stay safe.¬†

Maddy xoxo 

PS- Go check out a singer called Agnes Obel if you don’t know her already. She has some beautiful songs.¬†

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Chronic health condition, Death, Depression, Exhausted, Family, Grief, Tired

I’m so tired of everything

 

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I’m so tired, not in the sense that I need more sleep, well I do need more sleep, but I’m talking about being tired mentally and emotionally. ¬†I feel like I’m in quick sand just trying to keep my head above board and trying to live day by day. If I only had my depression and anxiety and grief to deal with I think I’d be ok but I have so many other¬†things to have to deal with. It’s too much; especially for a seventeen year old.

I don’t understand why some people have such easy lives with nothing bad happening and then some people have to struggle to keep going and not give up. I really do feel like I got the short end of the stick and I’m just going to say it… It’s not fair, I deserve better! I know people who live their lives¬†with nothing ¬†bad happening and they just travel the world and have a big group of friends and then there are people like me who have a dead brother, generalised and social anxiety,¬†a plethora of health conditions and a mountain load of grief weighing them down everyday. I feel as though I deserve something more and better than this. I wake up in the morning in pain and feel like I haven’t slept at all even though I could have¬†slept for 12 hours I then shuffle my way down the hallway to start complaining to mum about how tired and sore I am and how I look 7 months pregnant today instead of my standard 5 months, I then have to take my medication which I take three times a day so I can eat without experiencing horrible stomach aches and nausea and then I spend my day doing what I can depending on how tired I feel¬†and how much pain I’m in. Then when it comes time to go to bed I lay there for hours and hours and end up getting to sleep after 3am or sometimes I don’t get to sleep at all! Yay for me.

How am I meant to do a diploma and placement if I feel tired all day everyday? I’ve tried taking sleeping pills and they work for the first week but then they stop and when they do work the next day I wake up feeling like I have a massive chronic fatigue flare up. I really can’t win.¬†

I need a break, even if it’s just for a day I would really like a break from my life and everything that comes with that, but that’s not possible and that’s really sad because this is my life and I have to learn to accept it for what it is. Yes it’s pretty sh** at the moment but I’m really hoping that it starts to get better soon and something changes because I can’t go through life not enjoying anything and just going day by day. I need something more and to believe that I will travel the world and have friends and a social life and that I will be happy one day. I need to believe that because if I don’t then what’s the point of living? My only reason is mum and that’s enough but it would be nice to live for something more as well.¬†

Well It’s 4am and I’m catching up on Millionaire Matchmaker while I write this blog and I don’t see sleep in the near future so maybe I should have breakfast?! ūüėČ

Love to you all,
Maddy xoxo

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Ps- I love Greys Anatomy 

 

 

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Chronic health condition, Family, Mother and daughter, Uncategorized

A Letter To My Mumma Bear

 

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Dear Mum,

You are the most amazing person and mother I will ever meet. You inspire me to be a better person every day and to keep going, you are my rock for staying here and I yours. Your strength amazes me. You’ve been through so much in your life and the fact that you are still alive, especially after Chase is astonishing. 
Teachers at school used to ask us who our role model was or who’s a person that we look up to and my answer to those questions every time was you, and it still is. You truly are my role model and if I end up half as good as you I will be happy. 

You are the most amazing mum even though you don’t think so sometimes. For the past 4 years I have definitely not made your life any easier between my stints in the psych ward and all my heath issues you have stuck by me and given me the power to keep going. If I didn’t have you in my life I would be lost and most likely dead. You are my everything and I am so thankful that you haven’t given up on yourself, me and us. Thank you for loving me like you do and being not only my mum but my best friend and sister. I honestly couldn’t ask for a better mum, best friend and sister. You are my family. Me and you, just us two remember.

Here are a few words I would use to describe you:
Kind
Compassionate
Loyal 
Trustworthy 
Generous 
Loving
Funny
Strong
A survivor 
Spiritual 
Courageous 
Considerate 
Empathetic 
Sympathetic 
Intuitive 
Passionate 
Reliable 
Witty
Amazing
Angelic 
A role model 
Beautiful 
Brilliant 
Inspiring 
And there’s more but my brain isn’t working and I’ve gone a bit blank… sorry about that! 

You really are all those things I mentioned above, you’re pretty freaking amazing.
I’m sorry your life has been so hard and you have never really had a break from all your stresses, but the fact that you’re still living after everything you’ve been through really does amaze me. If I was you I would’ve died a loooong time ago.

Thank you for keeping me safe from Rohan and Michael. I know that you feel as though you could have done more about Michael sometimes but the truth is, is that you couldn’t! You did everything you could to prevent Michael from becoming worse and making Chase and Dusty suffer more also. I do not and never will resent you or blame you for what Michael’s done. You stood up for me and helped me get though the abuse the Michael did caused and you were always there for me, I’m just so sorry that you had to go through that for so long and suffer the way you did. It broke my heart to see you so depressed and sad while with him. I wish that I could’ve done more to help. 

I’m so so sorry that you lost Chase, I can’t even begin to imagine how that must feel. I’m so sorry you lost your soul mate and twin flame. So many times I wish I could trade places with Chase so you would have him back and live a life with him. I just hope I’ve been a helpful support to you and helped you through your grief a little bit. As much as the thought of you dying kills me, I’m looking forward to you finally being free and being able to be with Chase again forever. It must be so hard to have to stay here for me and Dusty when you just want to be with Chase and that is totally understandable, if I was you I’d feel the same. 

You and I have been through so much between your health conditions, my health conditions, Chase, Michael and everything else in-between you have stayed strong and kept going. I will always love you with all that I am and I will always be there for you. It’s going to be a sad and hard day for me when I move out and we won’t see each other everyday.

All I really want to say is thank you and I love you. Just thank you so much for everything that you’ve done. You are the most amazing and inspiring woman I will ever meet and you truly do inspire me everyday to be a better person and to keep going. 

I love you so much Mum and I will always fist you and tips you (this is a private joke and in no way entails what it sounds like ūüėČ )

Keep going Mum, I know you can do this and I will always be there beside you to help you and push you to keep going. 

All the love in the entire solar system and more,
your daughter Maddy. xoxo 

 

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Body image, Chronic health condition, Uncategorized

Another thing I have to deal with

 

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I have psoriasis… Great! Just what I needed, another health condition because having anxiety (generalised and social), depression, gastroparesis, chronic fatigue syndrome, chronic ingrown toenail problems and postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome wasn’t enough now we have to add psoriasis to the list.

I’ve had an itchy head for the past 6 months so I went to the dermatologist and she told me I have dermatitis and I was like ok, that’s good, I can use the medications she prescribed and it will go away! But no, it didn’t go away. I still had the itching and flaking and so I went back for my 6 week follow-up and she then tells me I have psoriasis, like it was no big thing. ‘Oh you have psoriasis and will now have to put all these toxic and damaging shampoos and gels on your head, have a great day!’ Yeah thanks, whatever. She had no compassion and she knows nothing about me. She knows my name and date of birth, that’s it. I feel like she should have¬†gotten my medical history so she knows how this is a big thing for me and not something she can just tell me and not even ask if I was ok, no? Psoriasis is an auto-immune disease so the only think I can do for it is manage it, I can’t get rid of it, It’s now a part of all my other medical problems. Yes I’m lucky that it’s mild and not as bad as some peoples but still, it’s just another thing to have to deal with. Oh and get this, stress is a big no-no! Ha ha ha ha! Stress is my middle name.¬†

Not to sound full of myself or anything but I have beautiful hair. It’s silky, smooth, thick, glossy, so soft and long. I’m a freaking walking Pantene ad! And out of my whole body it’s the one thing I actually liked about myself. I was happy with my hair and wasn’t ashamed by it, but now it’s full of flaking scalp, it’s itchy and very dry from the horrible shampoos and stuff I’ve had to use. Is this what I get for actually liking something about myself? Am I meant to hate every part of my body and just loathe myself for all of eternity until the day I die? Because to be honest with you that doesn’t sound like much fun.

I just can’t believe I have another thing to deal with. I feel so defeated by life, I was doing ok and then this happens! I’m so tired of everything, I’m emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted I need a break! I can’t keep having new problems arise, my body has enough to deal with and now it has another illness to fight.¬†

Back to the stress thing, it’s coming up to all of Chase’s anniversaries again so I don’t know how I’m meant to remain stress free through that! March the 8th is when he was diagnosed, April the 30th is his birthday, May the 31st is when he died and June the 5th is when his funeral was, that’s a couple of months of stress.¬†

I’m starting my treatment now and hopefully I’ll be able to get this psoriasis under control and I’ll learn to love my hair again.¬†

Oh I forgot to tell you before that today I have to go get my hair cut because it’s too long to handle with all these things I have to do to it. Bye bye hair! See you when you grow back in months and months. I sound a little bitter don’t I?¬†

Love to you all,
Maddy xoxo 

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Chronic health condition, Depression, Grief, Guilt, Survivors guilt, Uncategorized

Guilt… I don’t like this emotion!

There are a couple of different types of guilt I feel on a day to day basis these include: survivors guilt, suicidal guilt and the guilt of being a bad daughter. I’m going to start with the survivors guilt I feel most days.

My brother died three and a half ¬†years ago from brain cancer; the cancer killed him within twelve weeks of his diagnosis. The many thoughts running through my head when he died and still up to this day are ‘Why wasn’t it me?’, ‘Why did he have to die and not me?’, ‘I should’ve been the one to die instead of him’, ‘He was too young and I was older’ and ‘It would’ve been easier if I died instead of him’. These many dark and gloomy thoughts plague my mind constantly. I feel so guilty that I’m still living and he’s dead and that he will never experience becoming eighteen, moving out, friends, love, marriage, kids ect. He will forever be five years old and only a memory I have in my brain, but here I am wanting to kill myself! And that’s where my guilt for being suicidal comes in. I know all these things about my brother not getting older and experiencing life and yet I still can’t help but feel like I want to die sometimes and get this life over with. I also have guilt about wanting to kill myself because how could I do that to mum?! She is the only reason I’m still here and the fact that I might miss my chance to be with my brother and have to reincarnate (yes, I do believe in reincarnation if you haven’t completed all your life lessons before you die or if you kill yourself). The thought of dying and not seeing mum and my brother for god knows how many years or if ever really makes my stay on this earth. I love my mum more than anything and the thought of leaving her breaks my heart and makes me cry, so really there’s no chance of me killing myself if I think of all the reasons why I can’t. Mum has already lost her soulmate, why would I put her through having to bury another child? That¬†would¬†just be cruel and incredibly selfish of me. So don’t worry mum, you’ve got another forty¬†years to put up with me! ūüėȬ†

Every birthday I have I can’t really enjoy anymore. I feel guilty if I get excited or happy because what kind of sister gets excited when her brother is dead and will never have another birthday? Every year I get¬†older and every year it’s just another year of my brother being dead. I also haven’t been to the cemetery in such a long time and I feel guilty for that too; it’s just too hard for me to go there, but does that make me selfish for putting my feelings before my dead brothers grave? I don’t know, it’s just too confusing and complicated.¬†

Should we talk about my guilt of being a terrible daughter now? I think so! 
In my house it’s just mum and me, mum goes to work when she can (she has an auto-immune condition along with depression and anxiety) and I just stay at home all day trying to do some school work and chores when I can. I feel so guilty that she has to go to work to support both of us and I do nothing to contribute. I know I have health issues along with depression and anxiety but I just wish I could do more. Mum is always telling me not to worry and that she doesn’t think I’m a horrible daughter, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking and feeling like that. I wish I could get a part-time job and help out financially so all the pressure isn’t on her… I hate having my health conditions and not being able to get a job, it’s so frustrating! Will mum one day wake up and resent me or think of me as lazy because I don’t do much? I do the vacuuming once very week which is my job and I do the dishes and some washing but really, I’m not helping pay for the food or bills or anything. Mum gets so stressed about money and I feel so guilty and bad about myself because I can’t do anything to help. I’m hoping that when I let go of some more weight my health will improve and I can get a part-time nannying job to help out financially at home. Fingers crossed alllllll my health (physical and mental) problems go into remission and I can start to help out a bit more.¬†

That’s enough for today I think!¬†I should probably listen to my own advice but, keep safe, keep going and things will get better.¬†

Maddy,
xoxo

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