Christmas used to be fun, now I’m the Grinch who stole it!

Christmas. Last time I heard christmas is meant to be a time to celebrate love, family and joy. Those words don’t make me feel any love or joy, they just make me feel incredibly sad.

Christmas in my household used to be full of all those things I mentioned before. We would put up a christmas tree and decorate it and then on christmas eve we would all open up one present just to get our christmas spirit even higher that it already was! Christmas morning was filled with laughter and joy at opening up our presents that Santa brought us and then after we would open all our presents, mum would cook her famous pancakes and we would have a big christmas lunch with family or a big christmas dinner. But during the day we would play with our presents and admire them. My little brother was in love with superheroes, so he would be off in his room or on the lounge room floor playing with his new Buzz Lightyear toy or the new Iron Man figurine.

Christmas is not like that at all any more. We don’t even have a tree up and that’s ok because honestly, I’m not ready to make a massive deal out of christmas and act like it’s the happiest day of my life.
This will only be our 3rd christmas without my dear baby brother. The thought of having a good time on christmas day is just foreign to me; it makes absolutely no sense. Other family members don’t feel that way like mum and I do. They are acting like there’s nothing wrong, they’re actually excited for christmas! I honestly don’t get it but each to their own I guess…

It seems to me that christmas exacerbates a lot of families grief, I sure do know that it makes mine and mums grief way worse. I think it’s because like I said before, christmas is a time for family to come together and celebrate. And we don’t have a family. All I have really is mum and a dead brother who was everything to me. Sure, I have other siblings, but they are so different to my brother. C and I clicked, we were extremely close and we are really the own two siblings that got along. I have a younger brother who is older then C, and he is horrible to me! Just like his father, my step-father was to me. He treats me exactly the same as M did and it’s horrible! I also have an older sister, H. Well, H and I don’t really get along at all! We are pretty much polar opposites, all I have in common with her is the same mum I feel. She wasn’t around for more than half of C’s life so no wonder she’s not grieving like mum and I are. She used to bully me all the time, and now she just won’t listen to what I have to say and acts like she’s so much better than me, when in fact, she really isn’t! She’s damaged just like we all are, but she won’t do anything to try to fix herself because she believes that there’s nothing wrong with her, it’s always our fault. She and D got along because they’re quite similar and then C and I got along extremely well. I now feel as though I’m an only child and that I have no siblings. To me D and H are just acquaintances, not even friends! I have no nice feelings to them because C was a real sibling, he treated me how brothers and sisters should treat each other and that’s not how D and H treat me.

Mum and I don’t even call christmas christmas. We’re calling it J.C Day or December 25th. You can see how excited we are cant you?!
D who lives with M is coming on J.C Day from 12pm to 5pm boxing day and H is coming over after work, so that will be fun… NOT!!! We’re having cold meats for sandwiches and salads which will be nice and easy for mum and I, as mum will NOT be having a fun day at all! I can not imagine what it must feel and be like to lose a child. I admire my mother so much for everything she’s had to go through. She was so extremely strong in the twelve weeks it took for C to die, she was with him nearly twenty-four seven. It was amazing to see the love my mum had for her little baby boy. My mum is my own superhero who I will be forever admiring her strength and determination. My thoughts and love is with her everyday.

My journey through grief hasn’t been fun, and I imagine it won’t be fun for a long time. Grief is not something you can explain. The definition of grief in the online dictionary is:
Intense sorrow, especially caused by someone’s death.

Well, let me tell you, intense doesn’t even begin to explain it! I feel as though the definition should be:
No definition, it is your own personal hell that will destroy you in so many ways but will also make your stronger in many too.

I still can’t believe that it’s been two nearly three years since C died. Sometimes it feels like ten years ago, yesterday or like it never happened, but around Christmas time it feels like it happened an hour ago all day.
The word ‘Grief’ is so strong isn’t it? Just like bereavement or passed away, they all signify that same thing: DEATH. In the end we all will die. Now I don’t know if I will die tomorrow, a year away or in seventy years, but what I do know is that I will spend everyday I have missing and grieving my brother. No one can take that away from me because right now, grief is the only reminder I have that he was real, and christmas is making that extremely real. C loved christmas and I hope that wherever he is now he can have a good christmas.

I love you C. Xx

( P.S. I am aware that christmas is meant to have a capital ‘C’ as the first letter, but as I feel that christmas is not important it doesn’t deserve a capital letter! 😉 )

Merry christmas guys <—- See, its kinda an insincere Merry christmas because I didn’t put a capital c!

Maddy. xoxo