Depression

Depression will probably be the death of me

I have suffered depression for about a year and a half now. It was manageable in the first six months, but then it started getting worse.
The feelings that I were experiencing were different from anything I have ever felt before and that scared me. It overwhelmed me. I wish I could say that with all the counselling I got and my one supportive parent that I had, I have gotten on top of it a year later, but no, I am still drowning in the black hole that is depression. It’s true what they say, it honestly does feel like there is a little black dog following you around all the time ruining what little happiness you may experience. It is hard work getting rid of this dog, I am still working profusely to get rid of it. This dog seems to posses magic powers though, the power of making me want to kill myself. It’s not easy fighting off those thoughts of “You’re nothing” ,”You’re worthless and no one will ever end up loving you”, “You’re stupid and fat and no one is going to want to be around you” my favourite one though is “Just kill yourself already and end it all, because honestly what is the point of living? You have nothing to live for”. That last thought is the main thought I have to battle with. It crawls into my mind nearly everyday, just egging me on to give up and leave the one person who is there for me through thick and thin; my beautiful and amazing mother. I could never leave my mum. She is my rock and I hers, but a lot of the time it feels like her rock is getting smaller and it’s not big enough for me to hold on to anymore. Suicide is not fun. It makes me feel weak and like a failure. I do not like feeling like that Sam I am. I want to feel powerful and strong, but that damn dog just loves to bite me and remind me of all the reasons why I can’t be powerful and strong apparently. I try and not listen to those unhelpful and mean thoughts, but it’s easier said than done.

It seems that I am still ‘here’  though, wherever that is. I must admit that I have had a helping hand from the psychiatric hospital once or twice… and BTW, the psych ward is NO trip to Luna Park! It is cold, lonely, boring and depressing as hell!

I have worked for a long time with my psychologist to help ‘kill’ my little puppy that seems intent on hanging around with me and my bros (Ha! Just kidding! I have no friends, but that’s another story for another day. 🙂 ) I have tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), altering my negative thoughts to positive thoughts, medication, the psych ward and what else? Oh thats right! A little bit of exercise just to spice things up a bit…. But in my defence that was really hard to do because my toes had to have surgery on them which I got done last week, so once they heal up 100% I can start to go for walkies every day! Yay!!! 😉

At the end of the exhausting day my aim is to wake up one day and not see the black canine wagging its tale ready for what feels like round one billionth in the never ending ball game of ‘Lets see what can wear Maddy down the most to see her break and try to stab herself or overdose!” Sounds like a fun game huh? Do you wanna join in?

I guess at the end of the day though, the only person who can help me is myself. And I am trying to work on myself as much as I can.

Keep safe peeps,
Maddy xoxo

 

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